You Know Who You Are
Recently many of you have been losing weight. I was happy for you, really I was.
But now I must tell you to knock it off.
While researching on the internet, (what did people do before they had 24 hour unlimited access to information) I discovered a little known law of the universe that was proven by Einstein. Really, it's true. I read it on the internet.
The Law of Conservation of Fat states that fat cannot be created or
destroyed, only converted from one form to another. The fat 'stored'
in an object can therefore be converted to another form of fat without doing 'work'
In layman's terms this means that there is a fixed amount of fat in the world. If you are losing it, it must be going somewhere else.
And that somewhere else seems to be my ass.
I regret to inform you that this cannot continue. So please, grab a fistful of jellybeans and break off a chocolate ear off a bunny, and reclaim what is rightfully yours.
PS -I am also working on a petition to add an amendment to our Constitution prohibiting full length 3 way mirrors which cause you to view your body from perspectives you were never supposed to unless you were a circus contortionist. I firmly believe if God had wanted us to see what we looked like from behind he would have made our heads be able to spin around like that of an owl. Clearly, these mirrors are the spawn of Satan.