Found In The Obituary Section Of the Newspaper

Chris, the 35 year old mother of 7 children, was found dead today in her home. The cause of death is presumed to be the result of a noxious cloud formation, which occurred when she simultaneously used bleach and Lysol to disinfect her house after another incidence of vomiting children.


The deluded mother is said to have believed that end times were near, as evidenced by her family contracting a never-ending, Lysol resistant plague. Neighbors say she took precautions by stockpiling her home with bread and other food items. She was recently spotted pulling two grocery carts through the store filled with food. The family insists this is just their regular amount of food and there is no hoarding going on.

Her calls for help apparently went unheard due to the shrill ear piercing screams of the toddler in the house. The children claim the mother never called out to them, although an autopsy showed evidence to the contrary. Her vocal cords were damaged, which can only be attributed to a vast amount of pre death yelling.

Authorities reveal that the children suffer from an under diagnosed disorder called SHD (Selective Hearing Dysfunction). Authorities witnessed the SHD first hand when they requested children pick up the toys up off the floor, since they were hampering the search effort.

SHD is a hereditary disorder passed down through the Y chromosome.

The mother was discovered by authorities shortly after they arrived to the home, under a pile of couch cushions that had been thrown off the couch and discarded in the corner of the room. It is unclear how long the mother has been dead, but authorities say the children had used her limbs, which had become stiff with rigamortis, to hold up a blanket in some sort of tent-like structure.

The family reported the mother's absence after their clothing failed to
mysteriously appear clean in their drawers. When they searched for their mother, to have her explain and fix this phenomenon, the children stated they could not find her.

When pressed for details it was revealed that that they did not actually look for her, but wandered through the house helplessly whining about their plight. The eldest child is quoted as saying, "Why does this always happen to me?"

In lieu of flowers, the family is asking for a cook, housekeeper, laundress, chauffeur, and teacher. Whoever decides to apply for this thankless, non-paying position should be prepared to wear a hazmat suit and respirator mask to prevent the spread of the plague. Experience is not necessary, as oldest children know everything and will be happy to freely share this knowledge.