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Thursday, March 17, 2005

Found In The Obituary Section Of the Newspaper

Chris, the 35 year old mother of 7 children, was found dead today in her home. The cause of death is presumed to be the result of a noxious cloud formation, which occurred when she simultaneously used bleach and Lysol to disinfect her house after another incidence of vomiting children.

The deluded mother is said to have believed that end times were near, as evidenced by her family contracting a never-ending, Lysol resistant plague. Neighbors say she took precautions by stockpiling her home with bread and other food items. She was recently spotted pulling two grocery carts through the store filled with food. The family insists this is just their regular amount of food and there is no hoarding going on.

Her calls for help apparently went unheard due to the shrill ear piercing screams of the toddler in the house. The children claim the mother never called out to them, although an autopsy showed evidence to the contrary. Her vocal cords were damaged, which can only be attributed to a vast amount of pre death yelling.

Authorities reveal that the children suffer from an under diagnosed disorder called SHD (Selective Hearing Dysfunction). Authorities witnessed the SHD first hand when they requested children pick up the toys up off the floor, since they were hampering the search effort.

SHD is a hereditary disorder passed down through the Y chromosome.

The mother was discovered by authorities shortly after they arrived to the home, under a pile of couch cushions that had been thrown off the couch and discarded in the corner of the room. It is unclear how long the mother has been dead, but authorities say the children had used her limbs, which had become stiff with rigamortis, to hold up a blanket in some sort of tent-like structure.

The family reported the mother's absence after their clothing failed to
mysteriously appear clean in their drawers. When they searched for their mother, to have her explain and fix this phenomenon, the children stated they could not find her.

When pressed for details it was revealed that that they did not actually look for her, but wandered through the house helplessly whining about their plight. The eldest child is quoted as saying, "Why does this always happen to me?"

In lieu of flowers, the family is asking for a cook, housekeeper, laundress, chauffeur, and teacher. Whoever decides to apply for this thankless, non-paying position should be prepared to wear a hazmat suit and respirator mask to prevent the spread of the plague. Experience is not necessary, as oldest children know everything and will be happy to freely share this knowledge.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are thee funniest!

3:14 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your demise. At least you could go out while being useful in the fort-building efforts of your children.

Thanks for the hilarious accounts of your large-family life. I've been reading all of your archives for the last week or so, and it's so familiar. Several times I've laughed out loud, once so much that I was crying. (Seriously, I thought I was going to start sobbing in some kind of strange moment of empathy. My husband gave me quite a look.) I've got five kids: four boys and a girl, ages 9, 8, 6, 4, and 3. Number six is due in August. I homeschool, too.

I hope your untimely expiration from the Lysol and bleach fumes is just a temporary, coma-like thing, and that you'll be back with the living soon. (Hope the autopsy scars heal nicely, as well.)

Thanks for excellent blogging.

3:38 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

I have been lurking for a little while....but I had to come out and laugh out loud. The visual of them using your limbs to make tents had me rolling! You crack me up and I needed to laugh tonight. Thanks!

9:41 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

If I thought sweet release was as close as my demise I might do myself in. I fear they would conduct a voodoo ceremony to raise me from the dead and use me as a housework zombie...oh hey, wait a minute...

11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well move over honey...'cause I think I just dropped dead with laughter!

(Liz at This Full House)

12:49 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Do you think there is a treatment plan for SHD? Although my insurance company probably wouldn't cover it.

Sorry to hear you are dead, a bit of fresh spring air may help the Lysol resistant plague.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Jody said...


Shall I burn a candle for you tonight?

Here's the Lysol back to ya.

11:27 AM  
Blogger angie said...

"Pre-death yelling"? Bwa-ha-ha!!!!

There's a lot of that going on around here! Should I be concerned?

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SHD!!! Too funny, as was the part about using the limbs for tent supports. tee hee!

3:27 AM  

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