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Monday, November 07, 2005

Forty Before Forty

This weekend I came to the sad sad sad realization that I am getting old. I came to this realization based on several factors.

First, when I look at the so-called fashionable clothes I laugh. What is this clothing item called a shrug, and why do I want to wear something who's sole purpose seems to be creating extra bulk on my body?

Second, I wistfully expressed my ( mostly theoretical) desire for botox shots to my children. When I explained to them what the shots were for, one of them asked why I would want to get SO many shots ALL OVER my face. Two words... justifiable homicide. I'll miss that kid.

Third, I am a full year older than I thought I was. I mean I *know* how old I am when I stop and do the math, I just prefer not to think about it.

Fourth, in the spirit of being a "fun" mom, I did a cartwheel across by backyard. I was limping for days afterward.

Fifth, ninety percent of the things I use every day were not even invented when I was a child. When my children ask me, "What did you do when you were a kid?" I tell them I crushed my own berries to paint on the wall of my cave. And I enjoyed it, damn it.

So, I have compiled a list of things that I want to accomplish before I turn forty, which will happen in exactly 3.5 years.

Forty Things To Do Before I Turn Forty:

1) Learn to knit, so I can one day knit a blanket, scarf, long chain for my grandchildren

2) Start and continue an exercise regime for three months, even if it kills me

3) Do sit ups everyday for 3 months

4) Learn to accept my body and all it's imperfections (yeah, right)

5)Read novels I should have already read, classics I read a long time ago and either hated them with a fiery passion or loved them with a fiery passion to see if time has changed my feelings towards them

6) Go to Paris with my husband

7) Spend a summer in Italy with my children

8) See the Grand Canyon

9) Take my kids to a Broadway show. I used to go frequently when I was child and have such fond memories of the experience

10)Bring my daughter to the American Girl Cafe

11)Find my father, before he ends up dying and I never get to meet him.

12) Renew my wedding vows and have a party to celebrate, since we never had a wedding.

13)Finish writing a book (should probably start it too.)

14) Go through all our photographs and select some to matte and frame. AND hang them on the wall in our family room.

15)Gather pictures of our home renovation and compile them into a coffee table scrapbook thing

16)Spend an entire 24 hour day without once yelling

17)Bring my children to one of those indoor playgrounds and let them play without making myself nauseous over the amount of germs and bacteria they are touching and NOT once force them to go and wash their hands in the middle of playing. (Not sure I can do this one as just typing it is making me sick to my stomach.) I do draw the line at coating their hands with hand sanitizer and spraying them down with lysol before they get into the van; there are just some things that I can't give up.

18) Ride on a rollercoaster, and if I feel particularly daring one that goes upside down

19) Catch up on buying all my children their annual Christmas ornament. (The idea is that I buy the children an ornament every year that represents them at that year of their life. When they grow up they will take the ornaments. Though who knows they will probably think it is totally stupid and queer and I will be stuck with all these ornaments on my tree forever or my attic)

20) Work tirelessly to rid the fashion world of low waisted pants by complaining constantly to anyone who will listen.

21) Dig out my paints and easel and paint a painting

22) Hang the painting up somewhere in my house

23) Read the entire Narnia series aloud to my younger children

24) Take all my children to a baseball game at Fenway Park, wear a baseball hat, cheer and pretend I am a fan for the day

25) Find a reliable babysitter

26) Buy a huge bottle of vitamins and take them every day until the bottle is empty, without missing a day

27) Make it a habit to drink 8 glasses of water a day

28) Finish renovating my house

29) Get rid of all the things in my house that are just clutter and would benefit someone else

30) Make an ice skating rink in my back yard, build a bonfire, make hot chocolate, and have a skating party and enjoy it

31) Learn html

32) Learn how to make a really good pie crust, from scratch

33) After I finish nursing my youngest baby, buy some new expensive bras and matching underwear

34) Re-invent my mother's ring since it is missing a few stones

35) Buy a plant and keep it alive, instead of treating plants as if they are meant to be disposable

36) Practice saying the word "forty" so that I can learn to not throw up a little while I say it

37) Unpack all the boxes in my attic and label properly the things that will stay

38) Organize a box for each child to hold their special childhood crap memorabilia, limit size of said box so that they can never say they don't have room for it in their own house

39) Keep the flowers alive in my flower boxes on my front porch for an entire summer. This will be accomplished by watering them instead of ignoring them and blaming drought like weather for their demise

40) Come to grips with the fact that I am closer to 40 than I want to realize and there is no way I will be able to accomplish all of these things