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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Don't You Wish You Were Married To Me

We could have conversations like this all the time.

: Have you noticed the price of coffee lately?
Rob: Well, what are you going to do? It's one of those things that they can charge as much as they want for and you are still going to buy it.
Chris:Like gasoline
Rob:or electricity

Chris: or heating oil
Rob: yes, you have proven that one
Chris: Silly me wanting to be warm. I have been heating my house with abandon.
Rob: I don't think sweaters are overpriced.
Chris: but they will be if people turn down their heat and start buying more of them.
Rob: So you are doing your part to keep sweater prices down.

Chris: Exactly. I'm all about thinking of others.
Rob: But it's not like you need coffee. Plenty of people survive, even thrive, without coffee.
Chris: How dare you blaspheme the nectar of the gods.
Rob: I thought that was Nyquil?
Chris: Can't there be more than one nectar?
Rob: You could do without it.
Chris: I shudder at the thought.

Rob:Like the Mormons
Chris: I could never be a Mormon.
Rob: Because of the coffee?"
Chris: Hmmmm. I'd have to say yes. That would be the defining reason why I could never be Mormon.
Chris: All things are negotiable except my coffee intake.

Chris: Well, I wouldn't want to be a part of a religion that sacrifices things either.
Rob: Maybe a religion where you are required to drink coffee.
Chris: And if you didn't drink your allotted amount we'd excommunicate you.
Rob: or toss you to the lions
Chris: Oooooh. good one. Maybe I'll rethink the human sacrifice thing.
Chris: We could be the Church of Later Day Romans.

Chris: Do you think that there are less Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts in Salt lake City?"
Rob: That's an interesting thought.
Chris: Yes I thought so, that's why I thought it.

Rob: You think pretty highly of yourself, huh?
Chris: I think I suffer from delusions of grandeur. Honestly, I fantasize that if I were on a plane and the pilot took suddenly ill, I could land the plane.

Rob: You can barely drive a car.
Chris: I mean how difficult could it be?
Rob: I'm thinking rather difficult for someone who has never even been in a cockpit.
Chris: I didn't say I was rational. That's the thing with being delusional.

Chris: But things like that never happen to me.
Rob: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Chris: Or if I were trapped in an elevator with someone who began choking I could perform an emergency tracheotomy using things in my diaper bag.
Rob: I'd hope you would try the Heimlich maneuver first.
Chris: Maybe.

Rob: You frighten me sometimes.
Chris: I'd be like MacGyver Mommy.
Chris: Are you frightened by all my potential?
Rob: No, I am frightened that you spend time thinking about these things. Truly.

Chris: I also think if I were on Survivor I'd win.
Rob: That's funny.
Chris: Despite the fact that I am not athletic and refuse to eat gross things. I think I would win.
Rob: Now that's delusional.
Chris: Of course in my fantasy I am younger, tan, and look really good in a bikini.
Rob: Of course.
Chris: I'm funny. They'd keep me around.
Rob: Until the first time they had to carry your sorry ass through one of those challenges.
Chris: Literally. Good thing my ass is small in my fantasy.

Rob:Why don't you just fantasize you are athletic too?
Chris: Well, I have to keep some element of reality. I mean the gorgeous in a bikini thing isn't that much of a stretch of reality.
Chris: You don't know what to say.
Rob: I'm damned either way.
Chris: Just say you'd want to be trapped on a desert island with me.
Rob: I would.
Rob:Unless your athletic ability would a determining factor in my winning a million dollars.
Rob: or you had to take over flying a plane I was on
Chris: Wow, I am hurt.
Rob: Sorry, in my fantasy there would be another licensed pilot aboard.

Chris: What if the coffee is cold?
Chris: or in the form of icecream?
Rob: I have no idea.
Chris: What if it is only coffee flavored?
Rob: Let it go.
Chris: You know I can't.

Chris: Rob?
Rob: The length of this conversation has far exceeded my interest in it.
Chris: you say it, but you don't mean it.
Rob: No, I do.
Chris: Remember that when you are choking one day and I have to save you.
Rob: I beg you, just let me die.
Chris: before or after I cut your neck open with my nail clippers and jam an empty pen case into your throat.

On second thought maybe I do need to rethink the coffee habit.


Blogger Ash-bray Etty-hay said...

Bwah!! You think like I do -- if I'm stuck on a long line somewhere, for example, I daydream about what emergencies might come up which I'd be equipped to fix. I'm not sure about landing a plane, though.

BTW my first husband was being actively recruited by Mormons (he'd moved into a neighborhood chockfull of them -- sitting duck!) and almost took the plunge, until I asked him whether he really was ready to live without coffee. The look on his face was priceless.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Melessa said...

Since I'm a Latter-Day Saint and have my BA in Classics, ("major in what you love, you'll find a job"-NOT) a Latter Day Roman church sounds great to me. I would make a bad member, though. I've never once drunk an entire cup of coffee and it sounds like that is a pre-requisite. Love your blog.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Urban Mama said...

Seriously, Chris, I heart you. This dialogue is the reason 10, 15, 20 years from now, you and Rob will still be happily married :-) Love your obit a couple of posts back as well.

6:34 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

i'm sending this to my husband. This is totally how I think too.

And now I'm drawing blood in my tongue and my cheeks hurt from trying not to laugh hysterically in front of the class I'm teaching.

Thank you. I heart you!

11:42 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

A woman after my own heart!......I fell off my chair reading this one:)
Go give them hell.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Laurel said...

And I thought only myself and my ape husband had these conversations!! My biggest problem on a deserted island would be the lack of ice...I ONLY drink iced coffee...the habit started in my New England youth as it's common there, and I found after having kids that I never got to drink my whole cup of coffee before it got cold, so I just drink it iced all the time. BTW, if you can ever find it (we buy it at a little coffee khiosk at the mall called the "Coffee Grinder"), our favorite all time coffee is called "Old Government Java" won't be disappointed! LOVE your blog!

6:49 AM  
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