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Friday, December 03, 2004

Being Lucky

With each of my pregnancies I have become more and more paranoid of something going wrong. I can't seem to get over the feeling that at some point my good luck has to run out.

I had mentioned this to a friend at one point early in my pregnancy, wondering why some people seem to be luckier than others. And she answered that she didn't think anyone was anymore lucky than anybody else, and it would all even out in the end. That my bad luck would come eventually too.

Well, that wasn't very comforting. This idea has plagued me for months.

Why do I get to have all these easy pregnancies and healthy children when my old neighbor has a stillborn with her first pregnancy. I feel like with each baby I am pushing my luck. With my first few pregnancies I was naively unaware of everything that could go wrong. You got pregnant, nine months later had a healthy baby and that was that. Now, probably thanks in large part to the internet, I realize that it isn't always the case. I am painfully aware of the fragility of life.

I don't think that God rewards or punishes people like some great cosmic Santa Claus. It would be much easier that way, wouldn't it? And perhaps that is what is most disturbing to me, that bad things do happen to good people, and inversely some truly awful people lead easy happy lives.

From the beginning of this surprise pregnancy I have felt somewhat emotionally divested from the baby. I know that probably makes me sound horrible. I haven't bought anything for the baby, haven't made anything for him/her, haven 't brought down the baby stuff from the attic, haven't perused baby name books...

Rob said to me last night that he can't believe we are going to have a new baby soon. Truth be told neither can I. And that scares me, because usually when you can't picture something in your head it means that it really isn't going to happen.

But today I decided that I had to be proactive. I have to be the one with the vision and the ability to imagine this little baby and to be positive. I refuse to allow myself one more negative thought.

And so I am bringing the infant car seat inside and washing it and adjusting the straps to that impossibly small size... the size that you can't believe a tiny person could ever fit in.

It's a big step.

And if I am feeling really crazy I may just get out the baby clothing, blankets, tiny hats and socks and wash them too.


Blogger queenofquitealot said...

I so identify. I just had my 7th, in 9 yrs, 4 wks ago. My last month of pregnancy was a whirlwind of fears and outright anxiety attacks. I was sure my 'luck' was up. I cried often and hard. All very out of character for me. My husband would pray with me and that helped alot. He also would tell me before he left for work each day, that he was praying. During our homebirth, he prayed out loud, several times. Such a comfort. It was my easiest and a 10lb4oz HEALTHY baby. Fears unfounded but conquered none the less....until next time..? It helps that i know several families with double digit kids, all healthy as could be, what a blessing! Cant wait to hear your birth announcement. ~Amy

10:47 PM  
Blogger Ash-bray Etty-hay said...

Dude, you are so nesting. ;)

Based on my experience, I think it's just a logical extension of having other children and a lot to do -- there's already enough in your attention queue, yk? Worrying about someone who isn't here yet takes a back seat to the other people who *are* here, and wiping red Jello on the walls.

5:23 AM  
Blogger ma said...

I'm the same way. I worry more with each pregnancy. How lucky can you get? Internet doesn't help. I used to feel safe after the big u/s at 18-20 weeks but then 2 online friends lost their babies after that.

Last pg I had an amnio and I didn't get attached till after the amnio so I promised myself not to worry this time. I'm not worried but while I accept I'm pg I don't see this as a baby coming in June. Its so weird.

You don't have to be lucky to have healthy kids. The odds are very much in favor. Oops I just looked up some statistics. Stillbirth happens 1 in 115. I'd say you neighbor was pretty unlucky as opposed to you being lucky.

Hang in there and get out those itty bitty baby clothes.

Catherine (Bread in the Oven)

9:19 AM  
Blogger Jody said...

Oh, Chris. You speak the things I think. I am so in touch with that emotion. I still have to pinch myself when I look at my kids. I am so open to having more children, but can't shake the feeling of "pushing my luck". My brother has a little girl with a severe seizure disorder and autism...she was his first child. His second, a boy, is healthy. Before the boy was born, I felt guilty for having healthy children when I was around my brother.

Now I have 4 healthy kids while others struggle to have just 1 child to love.

I am so with you on the fact that God does not make these things happen or not. It just is what it is. I guess I feel that it is how we respond to the stuff that happens in our lives that reflect God. KWIM

I look so forward to hearing about your new little one!


10:10 AM  
Blogger Bernadette said...

Those gnawing, scary thoughts were with me during every pregnancy. I think it is because we feel so vulnerable when expecting. Prayers that you will relax and look forward with peace to your upcoming miracle! Keep clam, as we say in Seattle!

7:36 PM  
Blogger Sherry said...

Everything will be fine with your labor and delivery. Stay positive.
I do know exactly how you feel though. I waited until a couple weeks before delivery to bring everything back out for the new baby. It just takes a lot of space, and a lot of time to do so. Dont feel bad. Our lives are busy with the other children to get into that until the last minute. Call it procrastinating.. LOL
Just because we do that does NOT mean we love the new baby any less.
Keep us posted as to when you are to deliver.

10:23 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

I so understand. We lost a baby at 18 weeks due to a rare chromosone disorder in 2001. First pregnancy after 35, 7th baby etc. The chances of that disorder were so rare that there's only like 60 cases reported in the world. My next pregnancy was horrible until I had my amnio,lots of negative thoughts but I did console myself that the chances of it happening twice in a row were so slim. This time around, in the beginning I was even worse. If I read my blog entries from when I found out I was pregnant, I feel like a horrible mother/person. I couldnt' attach at all. It took a long time to get excited. Now as I have two weeks to my due date, I am very excited but I worry about other things like the delivery, undetected problems of the baby, the bleeding afterwards which I've had some really scary situations with. BUT I guess what we are feeling is normal. I just want to somehow fast forward pass the delivery and be home again with my new baby safe and sound. Maybe it's just me but part of it is you know that people will most likely be unsupportive if anything does goes wrong. It's the attitude of "well what did you expect to happen if you kept having babies?". Anyways tons of hugs and good thoughts for you and yours.

8:12 AM  
Blogger A said...

I felt like that when I was pregnant and it was only my second baby! I think the bottom line is that you are doing everything you could do to keep the baby safe. The rest is out of your control and it doesn't help anything to worry. I know, easier said than done.

You have probably just been really busy with all the other things pulling at your attention to do all the things we do with the first baby. I didn't even do any of that stuff for my second until a couple weeks before my due date!


P.S. I moved my blog! :)

6:38 AM  
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1:33 PM  

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