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Friday, May 27, 2005

You Found Me!

What would we do without search engines to take us to the information we so desperately seek? There are just so many disappointed people whose searches lead them to my website. Some of them I wish I could track down and ask, "Just what were you thinking?"

Here is a sample of the searches that brought people to me recently.

I) The ones that made me laugh:

porkchops+games+rednecks prompting me to wonder, are there games that rednecks play with porkchops?

my 5 year old can't hear me yeah neither can mine, selective hearing seems to be a problem with children, especially those of the male variety.

chris drunk whiskey tango have you been looking in my windows?

big house flies although I realize now they were probably referring to insects, my first thought was of my house flying through the air a la Wizard of Oz

my house is bigger than your house game never heard of it, but sadly, I bet I would win the my house cost more to heat than your house game

another word for ass donkey? mule? husband?

II) These people seem not to grasp the idea that a search engine is not all knowing:

house I want trust me, this isn't it
am I getting old yes, you are
why am I getting old
reasons I am getting old
d*ck, pr*ck, c*ck bigger than his I bet he is happy you are searching for this
boobs like hers
our yellow house nope, this one is mine, unless you come over with a check big enough
picture of a big house I like

III) The searches obviously done by a disappointed adolescent male who doesn't yet know about bra sizes:

pictures of boobs bigger than a foot a foot around? a foot across? a foot long?

IV) People without a firm grip on reality. It is not real people. It is a movie.

real jedi school
jedi children's praise (why am I number one in this search?)
can I be a jedi doubt it, since it is pretend
real jedi light saber again, pretend
i want to be a real jedi good luck

V) the hopeful:

i wish i were married
any big boobs any big ones will do, sadly there are none here
great big butts
any boobs this person isn't even picky about size

VI) Those seeking actual information, which I was sadly unable to provide:

how to make a whirlpool
how to make a paper mache volcano
why you should use public transportation
find snowpants under $90
how to make general tsaos chicken recipe
how long for your hairline to grow back for male teens with low cuts I don't even know what this means
how to wash baseball uniforms washing machine works for me
what are disturbing nursery rhymes rock a bye baby always seemed a bit distressing to me

VII) You Found Me, Now Go Away:

This is the category whose searches I am not going to type out. You people need some serious help. Truly.

VIII) And to the one person who searched for something that I did have offer, congratulations!

photo of a black bear at a house


Blogger millennium hippies said...

you are hilarious. i never fail to laugh when reading your extremely witty posts!! i think this is my first comment on your blog, so hi there!! love love love your blog!!

2:47 PM  
Blogger Silly Old Bear said...

Google is not always your friend.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Lammy said...

You could google your phone number and it could give you your name and address and an arial map of your neighborhood....unless you are unlisted. Weird.
Google is not my friend....I'm more of an ask girl..... :)

3:53 PM  
Blogger Indigo said...

That's hilarious! I've never checked my search words, might be worth a laugh, hey?

4:39 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Checking your search words is always good for a laugh. Most recently I have been found through searches for Homemade Pregnancy Tests. WTF? Do those even exist?

I loved reading your list. Very amusing.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Angelize said...

How do you check your search words? I really enjoy reading your posts. You always make me laugh. Thanks.

8:09 PM  
Blogger Chris said...


If you go to your site counter, look on the left margin for something that says "By referral". It will show you the website the person used to find you and if it was a google search you will see their search words.

Hope that helps!

8:59 PM  
Blogger lipstickface said...

Actually - Jedi is a religion.

I learned this during the last census when I heard on the news that such a large number of people had put this down under the description of their, well, religion, that it was now official.
I think it was Austrailia that had the most Jedi's.

Whether it is an active church, I know not. But how funny would it be to see Yoda behind a pulpit asking for money. haaaaaaa.

Oh! I googled a link:

1:44 AM  
Anonymous epiphany said...

The best google search I've gotten for my blog to date..."My best friend's Mom Is Hot" Poor kid found me...I hope I didn't give him too many nightmares. Mwahahahaha!

11:18 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I have to agree that you are hilarious! I've just been reading your blog for a couple of days now. I did a search for homeschool bumper stickers, and found your blogs! Keep up the good work!!!

12:55 AM  
Blogger Sleeping Mommy said...

I get some seriously disturbing searches. I won't even talk about them on my site because I don't want to reinforce the search engines tool that sends them to me.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Annalise said...

A friend showed me the html to insert to stop google from listing my blog because I was getting creeped out by hits from icky searches. I can pass it on to you if you like.

1:50 PM  
Blogger pantrygirl said...

I've often wondered what people were really searching for as well.

I find it quite amusing, sometimes sick but always amusing.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

You have the best blog EVER. This is the best laugh I've had all day, even though I had to tone it down since I'm at work. Darn it.

3:21 PM  
Blogger joy madison said...

okay its 1:32 a.m. and my dh is sleeping in the bed behind me, and I'm trying to laugh softly enough to not wake him up, and its not working, and my stomach is hurting from holding in the laughter!

4:33 AM  
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9:15 AM  
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6:58 AM  

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