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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

My Life Is A Series Of Events Too Boring to Discuss

I was afraid that taking medication would change me, turn me into some insufferable perky cheerleader. Thankfully that has not happened. I am still dark and cynical and hate Chicken Soup for the Soul stories as much as ever.

But I have nothing to write about. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing.

There is nothing interesting about doing laundry. Who really cares what I made for dinner last night. Or that I cleaned my bathroom, with bleach! The excitement is really too much.

But I have had a few fleeting thoughts:

1) I have been walking around muttering about the whole Harry Potter hype. I just don't get it. When I see grown ups walking around clutching the newest book to their chest and reading it in their every spare moment, like standing in line at the store, I can't help but laugh.

2) If you lose a tooth and want to wash the blood off so as not to offend the tooth fairy, it would be wise to plug the drain so that if the tooth slips out of your hand it will not go down the drain. Consider yourself warned.

3) Having a bagless vacuum means that you can sift through and retrieve the lego that have been sucked up. In theory. In reality they should be picked up off of the floor when I ask.

4) If someone would invent a device that hooked on to the harness of children's carseats that would deliver an electric shock when I pushed a button, I would SO buy one or two, or six. Just a small electrical shock. You know to knock them unconscious for a few minutes. Okay, I am just joking. They don't have to be rendered unconscious. The electrical shocks alone should be an effective tool to stop them from the constant bickering in the van.

5) The fan perched on top of the television gives my house that extra bit of class that it was previously lacking.

6) My favorite part of my day lately is when my infant son wakes up in the morning. He looks in my eyes so intently and smiles so wide it seems as though his face may crack in half. When he reaches up and grabs my face with his small sweaty fists and pulls it towards his open mouth, it is a moment of pure joy. His world is complete because I am there and it is at that precise moment that I feel my life has some sort of meaning. And it gives me hope that just maybe my heart really isn't a shriveled black lump of coal that I often think it is. Maybe.


Blogger kristal said...

Ahhh... laundry. I was shopping with my dad [who is visiting for a few days] and they had the store brand of detergent on sale for $1.94. It did 32 loads. He wanted to buy it for me, so I told him he'd better get two. "Why?" "You'll see." Two days later and I used the last of the first one. I handed him the empty jug and said "That's why."

9:54 AM  
Anonymous crewesmom said...

I LOVE # 4! I've been advocating the same type system for years to be used on those lazy freeloading zoo animals. I pay good money to see animals frolicking...not lying behind a bush, where I can only see their tail. Bzzzt! Dance around, you animals, I say!

Chris, I've been reading your stuff for 6 months or so (and have since gone back a year in the archives...:] ), and I think you are pretty darn funny-with or without drugs. Oh, and really skinny, too! :)

10:12 AM  
Blogger novaks8 said...

I too might have laughed at the adults freaking out over a "kid's book" except for the fact that I am one of them now.

I read the first one and was hooked much like I am hooked on Patricia Cornwell novels.

I love Harry Potter and I admit it!
I am about halfway through book 6 and have to say it is not disappointing.

I did not however dress up like a witch or push and shove like some of the middle age people I saw that night.

I still have some dignity.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Chris said...


oh my goodness, thanks for the laugh. you are right, there is a whole market out there for some industrious person ;-)

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Chuck said...

Hey the zapping them in the car seat was my idea. I want royalties if you patent it. hehehe

I think though we could also use one for the highchair an maybe the toddler bed.

Heck I am at work now on a pair of kids sneakers to be worn inside that when you jump hard enough for the LED's to go off zapps you a good one.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

It can never be boring to someone else who knows what a clean bathroom is worth.

Car seat zapper, hey? Hadn't thought of that yet--thank you.

Baby love is the best--I'm looking forward to it--again.

12:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As always, you inspire me in some way & make out jobs as mothers seem pretty magical.:)
I loved your last comment; my baby has been driving me to drink with her crying & clinging. Thanks for reminding me how important I am to her.

12:47 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

this just proves that great minds think alike ;-)
and that shoe idea is pure brillance I say.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous tammie said...

Chris: Thanks for making me smile with your entry! I believe that you could just get a "shocker" dog collar (that is used when training dogs not to bark), and see if any of your kids will wear it. Tell them it is a necklace and the ZAPP!!! when they least expect it. Either that or look into those seats that the Navy uses to eject pilots before a crash... as soon as they act up: BOING! out they go. Hey, it's a start.

2:00 PM  
Anonymous Sherri said...

ROFL... Tammy you *are* a genius right up there with Chris, crewesmom and Chuck.

If I had more children I think I might just use one of those suckers!

2:27 PM  
Blogger joy madison said...

4. Hello it worked for Pavlov, why not for us. I'd buy it!

3:28 PM  
Blogger Carmen said...

OMG. I am LOVING the idea of my big white van, outfitted with shock seats. Don't want her next to you? Take THAT! Want to complain about the air temperature? How's the temp, NOW, buddy boy?

I've gotta stop daydreaming about this.....

4:07 PM  
Blogger Sleeping Mommy said...

Ditto to all of it, especially that last one.

I was just holding my son and dancing to "somewhere out there" earlier and it actually moved me to tears.


4:23 PM  
Blogger Blair said...

# 6 nailed hope in the head... that is a good thing...

4:31 PM  
Blogger thicket dweller said...

You won't find ME clutching that Harry Potter book to my chest. Uh uh. Both of our Wal*Marts were plum sold out of 'em.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Cleaning the bathroom with bleach is exciting-the clean bleach smell actually lasts longer then one day (see-my life is actually just as exciting as yours).
#6 is so right. Sometimes all you need is a smile to let you know it is all worth it.

8:45 PM  
Blogger MoMMY said...

Ok, who is going to design the seat shocker? I want 4. I'll pay any price.

As for writing anything of interest... this is great. You may have noticed at my blog that I'm a great big bore.

Oh, and I finished HP yesterday. It was worth it. (Although no midnight visits to the bookstore dressed in costume. Just release date delivery from Amazon)

6:31 AM  
Blogger buffi said...

I'm with you on the HP thing. I just don't get it.

And the car seat zapper - sign me up now. It would be a dream come true!

I see no reason why the tooth fairy isn't able to fly her little self down the drain to retrieve said tooth. She's a fairy, dang it, anything is possible.

Finally the lego in the vacuum? Hahahahaha! You must have been at my house. Once *I* have to pick it up? It's gone.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Jody said...

#6 Priceless!!!

10:41 AM  
Blogger Toni said...

I'd say I love you, but I hate you for thinking of the seat-shocker thing first. When are you going to patent it?

P.S. Glad to hear the meds are helping. Bravo to you for stepping up and asking for--and getting--some help. Been there, done that, it does get better.

9:54 PM  
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