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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

I come from a long line of crazy women. Not crazy in the eccentric way like my father in law. No, I mean crazy in the should-be-strapped-down-to-a-table-and-have-electroshock-therapy kind of way.

Today I joined the illustrious women in my family.

I was at my OBGYN appointment and the doctor asked me how I was, how the post partum depression was. I answered that I was fine. And just to illustrate how fine I was, I burst into tears. I am fine. But I'm not fine.

I'm not angry and crying anymore. I don't walk through the house slamming things down on tables and randomly yelling at innocent people, though that is more a testament to my self control than a lack of desire to do so.

If you were to see me out grocery shopping, I would seem surprisingly normal. I wouldn't yell or make a scene, even if you cut me off with your cart and grabbed the last package of hamburger buns. I might even smile and make a joke about it. But inside I'd want to tear your face off and then stomp on it for good measure. So this isn't normal? People always comment to me that I am so "calm" and "peaceful" and "patient" and they want to know my secret. I never know what to say because those words do not describe how I feel.

I don't know how to describe how I feel now, other than a resigned sadness. It's like a aura that hovers in the air around me, almost palpable at times.

The doctor asked me if I had friends that I talked to. She seemed a bit worried when I asked, "Do you mean in real life?" and responded, "Well, I don't mean imaginary friends." That made me laugh because I never thought of the people I know via the internet as imaginary per se. But now I will, because it makes me seem even crazier. And hysterically laughing and crying simultaneously at the doctor's office, will make her rip out that script pad faster than the speed of light.

Well that and when she asked me what I like to do in my free time. I didn't want to mention my imaginary friends again or even mention the internet, because nothing screams crazy like "plays on the internet". So I said shopping. Which would have been a fine answer, I think, except that she asked shopping for what? And I blurted out, "Groceries!" Good God almighty why would I say that.

It's a good thing I didn't mention the internet, because that would have seemed crazy.


Blogger J said...

Are you allowed to share meds with your imaginary friends?

8:28 AM  
Blogger Earth Girl said...

Your doctor should know about this blog and the joy it brings to so many. It is a creative and legitimate outlet for you. I should know.

9:10 AM  
Blogger dazeymae said...

awe don't tell the doc about us. when he writes his book about you, goes on Oprah and then presents you as the exhibit...then tell him and the 40 million viewers.

but listen, we're here. tell us when they piss you off. we're listening. it helps. it helps you to tell me, and it helps me to realize I'm not alone.

just another voice in your head....dazeymae

9:46 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Yeah my therapist wasn't thrilled with most of my friends being online. Actually even my few "real life" friends live miles and miles away and we keep in contact though IM/email. It's a changing trend, I bet in 10 years or so having internet friends won't seem so stange.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Darren said...

"I wouldn't yell or make a scene, even if you cut me off with your cart and grabbed the last package of hamburger buns. I might even smile and make a joke about it. But inside I'd want to tear your face off and then stomp on it for good measure."

If it makes you feel any better, Chris, I've never suffered from post partum, and I feel like this. Every. Single. Day.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

You mean there's something wrong with only knowing people on the internet, and only ever going shopping for groceries, and having no real non-kid related activities (except for that internet thing again)? Oh, crap!

10:04 AM  
Blogger Jody said...

I talk about my internet friends to my husband, and bring the laptop to him to read particularly funny posts. He used to cut me off and tell me he didn't want to hear about the internet, but now he smiles at the stories and LOL when he reads the posts I show him.

My son calls my cyber-friends "pen-pals".

As for the PPD, I am so sorry you are having to feel that way. It really stinks. PPD seems to make you feel the opposite of your usual disposition. My thoughts are so negative all the time, and the anger, impatience and sorrow are just so not like me. It is so frustrating.

((((((HUGS))))) to you today.

P.S. I think a nice, fun trip to Texas would make you feel a bit better! ;*)

10:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



11:52 AM  
Anonymous melissa said...

I can relate also. My youngest is 4 months old and I love her so much but I still seem to feel angry and sad all the time. I keep telling myself how lucky I am to have healthy children and a great husband and a good life but, it almost makes me feel worse. Depression sucks.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

It's a good thing that Tom Cruise doesn't read your blog because he would be dead by now having his face torn off and stomped on, seeing as how he believes depression is something you can control by sheer will. Hm, isn't it interesting that those who believe that any sort of depression is a fallacy have actually never suffered from it? Voodoo curses to them! Bwahahaha!!

12:44 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I can relate too. I don't have many real life friends that I can count on, I think that is why I cherish my online friends! I mean, they are always here for me!

I also told my counselor about my blog and how helpful it is to my situation. She and now the new one were pleased to hear I do get it out.

Hang in there girl...

1:18 PM  
Blogger halloweenlover said...

Until you have a blog, or read blogs, you can't understand how much support you can find from friends met online, I think.

Everyone goes through bad spells, and bursting into tears isn't so odd. How many people have asked you straight up how you are feeling on a daily basis? I know that when a co-worker asked me how I was doing without my husband (gone for a month as you know) I almost started crying because he actually cared. Sometimes just the person asking is enough to send me into a tizzy.

We are here to listen, though, if you need us. Smiles.

1:33 PM  
Blogger Sleeping Mommy said...

ME TOO ME TOO! You are not alone. And thanks for letting us all know we aren't alone either.

We just don't have the communities that our grandparents had when they were raising children. They had large extended families nearby or networks of neighbors and such that they could rely on for support.

That's not the world we live in anymore.

And as to the PPD, I hope yours gets better real soon.

The past month I've been feeling more like myself than I have in a very long time. The only emotional outbursts having more to do with being stuck at home with the kids all day and not having a way to get out of the house since my husband's car is torn apart and he has the van. I need a break. I need them to go back to school and the mom's day out program a few days a week too. THAT would be the biggest help.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Hope you feel better. I didn't start feeling like me again until both my children turn a year.
By the way, your blog made me feel better-it's nice to know I'm not alone.

3:44 PM  
Blogger MamaGeph said...

When the Bear was six days old, some random biddy came up and started playing with his hands and cooing over him. I told her that if she touched my son again, I would break her arm.

You hold your whole clan together and keep it running. If that doesn't qualify you for a little shopping cart road rage, I don't know what. You're not crazy. You're the sanest person I know - and I don't even know you. :P

5:31 PM  
Blogger Carmen said...

I have to tell you, when I read the word "groceries" in response to the question, I laughed hysterically.

I'm with you on the PPD thing. Zoloft works - it really does. The fact that I'm still here, and all my kids are still here is proof positive.

7:39 PM  
Blogger Bernadette said...

Yoga replaces resigned sadness with hopeful calmness.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

I know how you feel. Especailly with the aura of sadness. Drugs and all, I still don't feel genuinely happy.

I guess all I can say is you're far from being alone, it sucks, and hang in there.

7:52 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Can I say thank God someone else out there is feeling sad, angry and crazy? Can I tell you that I broke the bathroom mirror last week after slamming it too hard?
I sometimes feel like the folks on the blogs I read are all so "normal" and "stable." I feel so much better when someone can actually admit that they feel like they are going crazy. Not that I'm glad that you feel that way...just glad you're talking about it.
I already told my husband that after this baby is born I'm either going to take to heavy drinking or large doses of IV Zoloft. It's most likely going to be the Zoloft, sadly...
stop by my blog or email me any time you want another imaginary friend. I enjoy your writing a great deal.
Who the hell needs "real" friends anyway? They'll just steal your burger buns. They all do, eventually.

9:23 PM  
Blogger Paula said...

If it makes you feel any better, I started crying on the way home from a soccer parent meeting tonight and cried my way through the rest of the evening. And in the end I said to dh that it is hard feeling like you're the only one you know that feels a certain way or has certain beliefs/philosophies (that I am against the way youth sports are handled and worry that we are making a mistake by participating). The people I do know IRL that I have in common with now live far, far away.

I hide it all inside for a long time and then crack as I did tonight. I think my fertility is returning as well and hormone swings are coming into play.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Lammy said...

I'd claim PPD, but my baby is now 6. *sigh* My 12-year-old-looking GYN made the mistake to suggest Menapause..... not what I need to hear coming out of that very young child.
I know how you feel----and there are somedays when I'd barely hang on by my fingernails.
Hang in there girl, and please keep posting these posts. I think it is very theraputic, well, at least for your readers, if nothing else! :)

3:28 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Awww...we're not imaginary! I was thinking about this myself the other day and how much I liked all my internet friends and then how I hadn't met any of them and how potentially weird that could seem to someone.

Anyway, HUGSHUGSHUGS! Vent all you want to!

8:22 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Thanks for all the support. My imaginary friends are so nice.

bonnie, maybe you and Tom Cruise should open up a treatment facility for people who are depressed, yoga and vitamins, what else could you need.

8:25 AM  
Blogger halloweenlover said...

See Chris? That is why we love you!

9:56 AM  
Blogger another lisa said...

I know one year ago I never would have understood about online friends and blogging... now I am hooked - and I have made tons of committed friends online...

2:00 PM  
Blogger harvestmoon said...

for some reason blogger thinks i need to read this page in Spanish. ugh.

chris, if it weren´t for you, I wouldn´t feel normal and would think my kids were abberations. i´m so glad you´re so normal cause that makes me feel so much more normal!

pop your doc on the head and sic tom cruise on him. smile )damn spainshi keyborad.

take care of yourself!

2:24 PM  
Blogger Bernadette said...

Chris--I'm honestly not as nutty as I seem. I enjoy your writing and can't help but share the yoga "love". I wish I would have known about the healing powers of yoga when I was a younger mother. And, after a series of traumatic events (a murder, a miscarriage, and the death of my father) I was amazed that this form of meditation and exercise changed my life in ways I never thought possible, including-- but not limited to--increasing my patience, gratitude, and strength. Also, it makes me feel beautiful, graceful, feminine, and youthful. I have many good home yoga videos that I would be happy to send to you if you ever feel so inclined. As for now, I promise not to mention yoga on your knitting post. Lastly, my husband is a very jealous man and would never hear of me opening a business with Topgun.

3:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris, I am wondering if you read Dooce? She is funny and talks openly about her PPD. There is an article about her on GMA Just thought I'd pass along the info and give you a big HUG ~ Dot, flower.girl

3:47 PM  
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