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Saturday, July 09, 2005

A Bedtime Story

Once upon a time there was a woman who lived in a shoe. A decrepit old shoe that needed lots of work to resuce it from a century of bad taste and neglect.

She and her husband did many home improvement projects and fancied themselves quite handy.

One weekend they decided to finally tackle installing the tile floor in their sunroom. Tile that had been special ordered two years ago and had sat in it's boxes, getting dusty from other various improvement projects that pushed it to the background.

The husband took a Friday off of work and they set about working on the project. First they installed the new subfloor. they stepped back and admired their handiwork. And it was good.

Then they set about putting in the tile. Surely the gods were smiling down upon them because the room is such a size that there was no tile cutting required except around the heating vents. They smiled at this, because no cutting is good, very very good.

And they worked as a team, this husband and wife. He would carry the heavy boxes of tile into the room and cut them open. He would spread the thinset out across the floor with his trowel and she would set the tiles on it behind him.

She would stand back and command the husband, in the nicest possible voice, "move the tile to the right, no to the left, my left for crying out loud... a little more, turn it slightly clockwise." And the husband did this with minimal audible sighing. And it was good.

Then they approached the end of the project. They were tired and looking forward to having the project done.

The wife commanded the husband to go fetch the last box of tile. There were only four more tile needed for it to be completed.

The husband returned. "Oh, wife of mine, there is no more tile."

The wife got up and stormed out of the room, "Why must I do everything. Of course there is more tile. Did you even look?"

The husband replied, "Yes, I did look, my wife. And there is no more tile."

The wife yells, "I know there is more tile. I ordered it myself. I would have ordered more than enough tile. I know how to do simple math."

The husband said, "Yes wife, I am glad that you remember who placed this tile order. I feel that will be important information in the next few minutes."

The wife looked for the tile. And she looked some more. And she used words that caused her husband to blush and her children to cover their ears. Still she did not find anymore tile.

The husband said, "I do not think math is your strong point."

The wife shot daggers out of her eyes and killed him.

But then she revived him when she found out that the tile had been discontinued and she needs him to make a built in bookcase in the roughly 5 foot long area to hide the fact that there is no tile on the floor.

The wife imagines the next owners of the house moving in and deciding to tear out that odd bookcase. And that thought makes her laugh.

And it is good.

The End.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris, you are hilarious. I'm currently sitting in a very quiet apartment laughing myself silly, I hope you're happy :)

p/s: Would love to see some photos of your glorious floor!

4:37 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Your energy is overwhelming. I didn't have the stamina to post this week's bathroom floor boondoggle, but I'm sure you have a great idea how it went.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Sleeping Mommy said...

Oh dear lord in heaven!

At least it's not too large of a spot and you can fill it in with a nice bookcase.

Wonderful post. Good thing you can find humor in the situation.

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Taking a break from creating our new playroom.
Thanks for the laugh!

Yuck, back to scraping wallpaper.

7:22 PM  
Blogger joy madison said...

hilarious! I'm sure it looks good even with that empty spot:) espcially with the bookcase on the spot.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

This was definately worth waiting days and days for another entry from your house! Too funny have a way with story telling.

10:01 PM  
Blogger cubmommy said...

That is hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh. Great story.

10:17 PM  
Blogger buffi said...

You are much braver than I. I forced my husband to hire somebody to tile our kitchen. I don't know if our marriage could have survived it! Oh, and I too want to see pictures.

11:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you!
Will you be my best friend? I am homeschool mom to 4 & thought I was the only one who had these strange thoughts keeping me compnay!

1:17 AM  
Blogger Blair said...

Just an idea... but why don't you have your kids make cement tiles and put a bit of the family in... Just a thought on what to do with that space and imagine what potential future owners might think if they came across a bunch of homemade tiles with a wonderfully large families handprints in them...

3:04 AM  
Anonymous Chuck said...

OK, this must be a fairy tail cause no wife would ever accept the fact it was not hubbies fault. hehhe yeah I am joking, at least some what.

6:38 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Okay, first I have to LMAO at Chuck! Very funny!

Second, I have so been there (not with tile, but with many other things) and I think it is great that you and your dh can do projects of this nature together and remain married! Nothing like home improvement to test a couple's communication skills!

I think the bookshelf sounds like a perfect solution. I also like the idea of some special tiles to sort of claim the home as your family's. Are you renovating just for yourselves or to turn around and sell when it is finished?

9:25 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

This is what gives me pause every time I start talking housebuying. Because we do not have good math skills here. The story would have ended about halfway through when we would realize we never even came close to having enough tiles.

1:38 PM  
Anonymous Ruth said...

Oh glad it is not just me. I bought 16 boxes of tiles for our hall and lobby and they arrived over a year ago. 9 boxes were eaten by aliens. We have had the house apart and we cannot find them.How can you lose 9 boes of 12 x12 tiles which weigh a ton? We did.

4:08 PM  
Anonymous epiphany said...

Thank you for the laugh...I don't feel so bad about my tile job, which if you look at it in the right light looks like it is even. Honest. Okay looks bad no matter how you look at it.

4:22 PM  
Blogger harvestmoon said...

I am sitting behind a Pemex station watching ENORMOUS ants fighting for my toes and stealing free Internet.

This made me absolutely LAUGH OUT LOUD. I can TOTALLY see myself doing this. :)

Tahnk you for the laugh and smile today, Chris!

Hey, (psst, opens her overcoat) can you interest you in a little pottery? Say, about 3 boatloads??? :)

7:05 PM  
Blogger chel said...

I LMAO. Thanks for brightening my day. Although sounds to me like it've seen that story play out in my home to, lol.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

That is so me, I'm terrible at math like that. But I'm sure the floor and bookshelf will look lovely together!

3:57 PM  
Blogger Silly Old Bear said...

Hey, back when we tiled, we bought too much, and I'm pretty sure it has been discontinued by now (eight years later). Maybe we can work something out? I could use the space in the garage.

4:04 PM  
Blogger halloweenlover said...

HA! This would soooo happen to us. You are scaring me now, though, I need to reconsider my tiling dreams for the whole basement. That is a lot of floor to cover. Besides the lack of finishing tiles, was it difficult?

6:30 PM  
Blogger Bernadette said...

Necessity is the mother of invention!~Plato

Have you read the very sweet, winsome, and pro-large-family version of "The Old Woman in the Shoe"?

These days we make our older kiddos lay the floors while we get a much needed rest!

2:44 AM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

I bought tile for our bathroom well over four years ago. I'm hoping that this didn't happen to us too, since I'm not sure where I'd put a bookcase in there!

12:07 AM  
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1:00 PM  
Anonymous home improvement projects said...

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2:40 PM  
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2:36 AM  
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1:16 PM  
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9:23 PM  
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6:18 PM  

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