notesfromthetrenchesIII

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Thursday, June 02, 2005

If A Five Month Old Had A Blog

This is what he would write.


I have decided to multi task this week.

Eating and sleeping were taking up far too much of my valuable time. From this point forth, I will begin nursing and sleeping simultaneously. This goes for both day and night.

I will learn to type, with my heels. Whenever my mother sits down with her computer I will scream like I haven't nursed in months. There is something about the tap-tap-tap of the keyboard that makes me hungry. My mother calls me Pavlov's dog. She will then attempt to nurse me while she types, thus giving my feet access to the keyboard. I give myself bonus points for hitting the screen with my arm.

I will be happy in the exersaucer for exactly 53 seconds before I begin screaming. Coincidentally that is the exact amount of time it takes my mother to go into the bathroom and sit down. When she returns, I will demand to be held in a standing position outside of the saucer so I can play with my toys while being held.

I will use diaper changing time as the perfect opportunity to practice my rolling over technique. Hopefully timing it to coincide with the precise moment my mother is holding my legs in one hand and attempting to wipe my poopie butt with the other, thus rendering me into the "wheelbarrow" position. I will refuse to roll over onto my back, even going into a handstand position to prevent it.

When ever I am put in my bouncy seat I will use the opportunity to do my stomach crunches. I will not let my head relax back on the seat. If my mother tries to force me back into a reclining position on the seat I will pop up like a jack in the box. And when I get tired of this I will flop my torso over onto my legs and scream. But I will. NOT. recline.

Whenever anyone is looking, I will pretend that I can not crawl. It is much easier to scream and have them fetch me toys. Once they are not looking I will crawl over to whatever small, dangerous, exciting thing I can before they notice. When they notice and pick me up, I will scream and grab fists full of hair from the sides of their heads, until they scream. Because that makes me laugh.

I am done with the baby gym. There is only so much working out I can do underneath it. It has lost it's excitement for me. Anytime I am placed remotely near it, I will begin screaming. I prefer to workout now on my stomach doing push ups. I will lift my entire torso off the floor and then lower myself back down. Occasionally, at the end of my workout, my arms will give way from fatigue and my face will crash to the floor.

Speaking of toys, I do not like to be placed on the floor with toys around me. I want my mother or my siblings, to hold they toys above my head, shake they toys, and sing silly songs. Under no circumstances should they avert their eyes while doing this.

I have instructed my 2 year old sister to wake me anytime she sees me sleeping, by any means possible. Options include yanking out my pacifier, laying on top of me, squeezing my face, and as a last resort head butting. If she is unable to physically reach me she is to scream "Sleeping, Baby sleeping!" as loud as humanly possible until I come to my senses and open my eyes.

And, finally, I will smile and giggle at every opportunity. That is the way I keep them all under my spell and doing everything I want.

15 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

All these tricks are in the secret manual all children read before arriving here. The 18mo old chapter requires being held on the side where your mother has tendonitis. Didn't you get your copy? ;-)

8:12 AM  
Blogger rugdesigner said...

We visited with our five month old grandson over the weekend and he is exactly like this (minus the siblings)! Of course, I didn't mind holding him all the time as I rarely get to see him. I loved it; his mother has since called twice to thank us for visiting all weekend...

9:19 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Jack must have taken lessons from M. It's really quite comical at times. Or maybe it's just I've lost all sense of what is really funny? Hmmm

9:39 AM  
Blogger dazeymae said...

OKay, so people type LOL all the time to indicate it's funny.
However I was literally LAUGHING OUT LOUD reading this....
been there done that....
you are too funny gurl....
Hope you get an uninterrupted potty break today!

9:50 AM  
Blogger Jody said...

Mia types with her heels too. I think she and your 5mo are exchanging notes.

Lisa, have you checked out the 14mo chapter? Page 3 says "NEVER use a word for anything. Just point and screech as loud as you can. Criteria for how loud your screech should be include; peacefully grazing birds must take off in abrupt flight, windows must shatter, and the object of your desire must be place into your hands immediatley by a brother which in turn gives encouragement to you that your screams are effective and must be continued each and every time you want something."

:^()

9:58 AM  
Blogger halloweenlover said...

oh man, you made me CRACK UP with this entry. I love his guest blog! Ask all your children to type something up for us!

10:00 AM  
Blogger millennium hippies said...

oh that was hilarious. and so universally true!! :)

12:27 PM  
Anonymous Chuck said...

Oh you have so got the short version there. You missed the 10 Mom old, I will walk and not crawl, period. And the I have a cold and cannot sleep therefore you will hold me in a standing position. Do not even ge me going on the 3 year old, or 6 year old version. And the 14 year old version is about to become moot when I bury him in the back yard to his neck for a few days.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Field Trip Lady said...

(stoner accent)Oh, man, that was awesome!
I so rarely laugh out loud that I am speechless.
You really should be selling this stuff.
There has got to be some street value on laughing until you cry...or pee.

1:21 AM  
Blogger Lammy said...

SERIOUSLY HILARIOUS! You hit every thing right on target and gave words to the things I only think! My kids always ask what I'm laughing so hard at---and today was no exception. You definatly need to put your memoirs in print girlfriend----I'd be first in line to pick up a copy.
I'm so glad I came over today...as always.
*contented sigh*

9:40 AM  
Blogger Lenise said...

Sad how much is still true at 8 mos... and they say they grow up too fast!

(OK, so they do, but still...)

4:12 PM  
Anonymous epiphany said...

Aaaaahhh, yes. Mine is two in a month and still acts that way. I've been contemplating that she might be the last...because I would love to sleep someday...someday...probably when she's ten.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Katharine said...

I could have written this very entry. God knew what he was doing when he made babies so precious. It's their saving grace.

12:51 PM  
Blogger joy madison said...

so funny...sounds VERY familiar. I have a 5 month old too:)

4:29 AM  
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