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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Am I On Candid Camera?

Because sometimes I feel as though that is the only explanation for the people that I encounter in my life on a daily basis. It's like I have a homing device implanted in me which sends out signals, calling for all the freaks in a fifty mile radius to come to me.

Arriving at the beach yesterday, the man who works at the ticket booth, taking the money and giving out a beach pass for the day, had bright pink nail polish on his fingernails. Maybe he wanted his hands to look pretty for all the people he'd be taking money from all day, I don't know. They weren't well done.. The polish was clumpy and all over his skin. You would think if you were going to call attention to your hands like that you would at least do it well. But then I noticed he had baby barrettes all over his hair, which was short, so that his hair stood up in tiny little clumps all over his head. What is up with that look? What is the message he is trying to send to the public? I am gay and child-like?

I drove off laughing to myself when my 10 yr old said, "Do you think someone dared him to look like that today?"

That must be it. Clearly there is no other rational explanation.


We schlepped all our stuff from the van to the beach, which seemed like 5 miles walking through the sand, and the kids run off to play at the waters edge. I sat down on my seat and noticed the two young women near us taking pictures of each other in their bikinis. And at first I was happy for them and their positive self esteem, and for daring to wear bikini bathing suits despite the fact that their bodies were not made for such displays. But then my happiness turned to horror as they rolled around on the sand, arching their backs into very playboyesque poses. Did they not notice all the other people on the beach? They splashed water all over themselves and posed with these pouting lips in the water.

But, they were so bad at it all that I began laughing. It was like watching a train wreck. I just couldn't avert my eyes.


Sadly, I have no pictures of the bathing beauties.

But I did get a photo of the next bikini wearing freak.

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This woman laid out on her lounge chair, pulled out a razor and began shaving her bikini line and upper thighs. What the hell? First of all, Ouch! Dry shaving your bikini line. But secondly, isn't that something better suited to the privacy of your own bathroom? And isn't pulling out a razor and shaving on the beach just calling more attention to your hairiness than if you left it alone?


To file under why I hate people:

As we were leaving the beach, we had to walk a long for a long stretch across the sand. The sand had become very hot from the sun and we were all walking barefoot. It didn't bother the older kids at all. My feet were burning at about the half way point. I started running and picked up my two year old who had begun to cry. I am running across the hot sand holding my two youngest, when my 4 yr old started to scream that his feet are burning. I yelled to him to put his stuff down and stand on it or else run as fast as he could across the sand to the grass. Luckily my 10 year old has feet impervious to pain, because he ran and picked up his brother and carried him to safety. Of course for the rest of the day we had to hear, from him, about what a hero he was.

The people who were sitting on a blanket near him started laughing and making fun of my four year old burning his feet on the hot sand. Grown up people laughing at a child. I was so angry I could have strangled all four of them with my bare hands, except that would have meant that I'd have to walk back across the hot sand. Luckily for them my desire to preserve my feet was greater than my anger towards them.


Right now Rob is on a plane to Puerto Rico. He'll be home for a day and a half and then be off to Los Angeles. I'm wondering when my business trip is. Isn't there a mother's convention that I need to attend somewhere?

My father in law's open heart surgery was rescheduled for tomorrow or Friday morning, the doctor isn't sure yet. Rob had wanted to be at the hospital to see his Dad before he went into surgery and to sit with his mother while his dad was in surgery. Everyone told him not to cancel his trip. I just hope that was a wise decision.


Blogger TBG said...

They definitly find you. How bizarre. What the heck was that nut case dry shaving for. That might have been the best one so far. I have never seen that in my life when we are at the beach in two weeks I will keep my eyes open for that. Yikes!

2:26 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

AH! You're just like me! I act like I'm taking a picture of Brent or a pretty tree, when in reality I'm taking a picture of someone I find bizarre. One of these days, I'll catch my neighbor Gorgeous George. I never have the camera out when I see him, though.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

OMG! I can't believe someone would shave their legs at the beach. I can handle someone picking their nose, but this beats all.

Your 10-year-old is a riot.

I hope the adults who laughed at your children while they were in pain get their feet burned in hell.

2:44 PM  
Blogger halloweenlover said...

Hope your FIL is okay! I am sure your hubs being there will help.

But on this post, I mean where to start? I was laughing from start to finish! Except I would have beat the people laughing at a child with my beach chair, but besides that, hysterical!!! The dry shaving crazy especially. And your daughter's cute little bikini bottom, adorable!

Your older son is my hero. Is he available for beach visits in Boston?

3:02 PM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

The LLL International Conference is in D.C. the first week of July. Maybe you could sneak away for that! Tell Rob that it is mandatory attendance from all breastfeeding mothers. :) hehe.

3:18 PM  
Blogger aka_Meritt said...

I'm cracking up at the photo of the lady who dry-shaved. Did she see you take the photo or did you take it under cover, pretending to be looking at something else? LOL.

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Wendy said...

You should have had your older children run over and kick sand on the jerks.

4:42 PM  
Blogger The Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady said...

I actually have a possible explanation for the guy with the barretts and pink nail polish.

When our daughter was about 3 years old, she went through a phase where the only thing that would make her happy was putting barretts in her daddy's hair and painting his fingernails. At the time, he was an active duty Marine Corps officer, so his hair was incredibly short. Needless to say, I frequently came home to find him looking somewhat more bizarre than usual -- and I often took pictures to use against him should the opportunity ever arise.

Now, my husband never left the house looking like that, but perhaps this man had a little girl who was so very proud of her handiwork that he couldn't bear to disappoint her by pulling out the barretts and taking off the nail polish before leaving for work.

Sorry, no possible explanation for the woman who was shaving in public. Eeewww.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

Dry Shaving on a public beach? Excuse me while I go wretch.

To your son: People he doesn't even know are proud of him for being so wonderful.

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shaving on the beach?
Nail polish and barrettes?
deranged adults who laugh at small children?

You should be the spokesperson for this beach. haha
Start a new ad campaign.

welcome to _________ beach, where we stage such amazing skits that you don't even notice you are alone with your 7 children at the beach.

Hey I would go!

6:16 PM  
Blogger joy madison said...

okay, GA-ROSS!!!! I can't believe the bizzaro world you walked into:) Hope your next trip isn't as bad. My husband used to travel for a living. I moved our whole family from Indiana to Seattle while I was 6 months pregnant. It was crazy. (My dad was pretty mad at my husband for leaving that up to me:) (go dad)

7:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somewhere out there, there is a woman with a sunburned and razor-burned belly. She is sitting at home on her computer, blogging about the freak of a woman with HOW MANY kids with her at the beach? The one who laughed at the ticket-teller with the funny hair? The one who couldn't buy her four year old aqua-socks and made her walk BAREFOOT across the burning sand, until her ten-year-old BROTHER finally rescued her?

This woman's painful tummy makes her grouchy. She takes out her frustration by belittling someone else.

Someone whose story she doesn't truly understand. Someone, truth be told, she would like and admire if she really KNEW and understood her. Someone who, like her, is made in God's image.

She does not blog about her belly, nor about shaving in public. Nobody in the blog fantasy world knows that she is gross and disgusting. They all think she is a nice person.

Maybe it just doesn't dawn on her that it's ugly and gross to do something like that in public. Maybe nobody has ever told her that.

Or maybe after getting a bunch of stares, it slowly dawns on her how gross that would be to watch, and therefore she ought not be doing it. Hey, it happens. I know, because I'm as much a social misfit as that woman. No, I've never shaved in public but I've done other things that I only realized later were disgusting.

I was raised normally. I got scolded or spanked for picking my nose and other childish disgusting things, but nobody told me growing up that shaving in public (or other things I'm too ashamed to mention even as 'anonymous') were gross.

Somehow I didn't figure it out for myself until AFTER all the stares and whispers. Stares and whispers that hurt me, by the way, just as much as they hurt beautiful and socially skilled people like you.

You can label me as low social IQ if it helps you. You can stare at me in public. You can blog about how disgusting I am.

You can earn everyone's pity for having to co-exist with me in this world, even having to (once) share the same beach with me.

You can even mock me now, if you'd like, for being too chicken to post this with a name attached.

I'm just hoping there is someone else out there, anyone, who is patient enough to be friends with me anyways. Someone who is willing to overlook my big failings and see that I too am made in the image of God.

And someone brave enough to tell me - as a loving friend - not to do X, Y, or Z in public. Before people like you find out that I'm "just" a freak and a social misfit, and not a real human being who has intrinsic value.

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oops, re-reading I see now that your 4-y-o is a boy, not a girl. I'm sorry. Now you have another thing to ridicule me for, if you'd like.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Darren said...

Anonymous, wait. I'm sorry. Are you actually suggesting that someone needs to be told that shaving their bikini line in public is disgusting?

Chris, could you let me know where this beach is so that I may never, never, NEVER go there?

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, Darren, you're right. I might need to be told.

I obviously DO need to be told, since I (or someone as creepy as me) was shaving in public.

And that means I'm a freak, not a human, as you've already pointed out.

And it means I need to be avoided like the plague. Because I'm creepy, not a person.

Because I lack social graces ...and therefore have no redeeming value whatsoever.

Thank you.

The problem is, I live in a different state than Chris and I was not the one on her beach.

Which means if you want to avoid us freaks and misfits rather than trying to understand or help or be a friend, you probably ought to just stay at home. Since, unfortunately, there are probably more than just two of us.

Oh wait, thanks to the internet we're here too. I'm sorry for ruining your life. I'm sorry that I am not as wonderful as you.

If I knew what stupid, pathetic, embarrassing thing I would manage to do next in public, I would surely stop it now. But I don't. I'm sorry.

Maybe if you tell me a few more times how stupid, ugly, gross and disgusting I am it will help.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous Scooby said...

I cant help with the fingernail polish dude but there is a man in the city where we live and EVERYTIME we see him he is always wearing overalls with a pink scarf around his head and two piggy tails in his hair... rather long ones too. He has on nail polish and makeup. He is also around 6'2 and about 250 + pounds... oh, and he has a rather bushy beard and makes my children practically cry whenever they see him.

As for the lady shaving her legs at the beach... we wont mention that other area LOL she scares me and frankly, I would rather look at the overall guy than watch HER any day of the week ;o)

12:00 PM  
Blogger stephanie said...

That certainly gives a secondary view, Anonymous. I'm sure we've all done soemthing we *thought* was practical or no big deal- but others see it differently.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

A secondary view of shaving your bikini line on a lounge chair at a public beach? Who knew we needed this.

Also, just to clarify I never mentioned anything about her belly, or shaving her belly...

But I am curious why you aren't offended by my observations of the would-be centerfolds rolling around on the beach?

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG Chris, that was some beach trip! LOL! So much for being refreshed by the beauty of nature, eh? More like squicked by the grossness of people.

Still can't get over the shaving in public. Good grief, I can't even get over my grade-school indoctrination and brush my hair in public! (It was drummed into us little six year olds that a lady never grooms herself in public and I don't seem to be able to get over it. Hence my perpetually ungroomed state ;-) )


5:11 PM  
Anonymous Jody said...

Do not feed the trolls.

....Especially the ones that start sounding scary as their comments go on.

It appears you touched on a raw nerve out there, Chris!

Shaving at the beach? Where did she rinse her razor? In salt water????? Talk about ouch.

8:25 PM  
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