How To Deal With A Clogged Milk Duct
1) Discover breast is very sore, even after nursing baby. Determine that a milk duct is clogged.
2) Force infant son to nurse some more in an attempt to unclog duct
3) Massage sore breast.
4) Put hot compresses on sore breast.
5) Put hot compresses on sore breast, while massaging.
6) Use google to find out what else can be done for stubborn clogged milk duct.
7) Force infant son to nurse while standing on head in modified yoga position while doing the football hold.
8) Swear often.
9) Try hottest compresses that you can stand. Suffer first degree burns on nipple and surrounding breast area.
10) Massage breast some more.
11) Squeeze breast and nipple as hard as you can.
12) Give a moment of thanks that no neighbors can see into your windows due to the summer foliage and therefore are not witness to your walking through the house feeling yourself up all afternoon.
13) Greet husband at the door demanding he squeeze your nipple, hard.
14) Tell husband to stop smiling, this isn't about sex.
15) Assure him that no, it also isn't like the "pull my finger trick" either.
16) Find a white spot on nipple and determine this is the cause of all milk duct troubles.
17) Get a needle and repeatedly stab nipple in hopes of unclogging milk duct.
18) Engage in even more colorful swearing.
19) Marvel at the amount of things you bump sore breast into.
20) Force infant son to nurse more, this time with him in modified yoga headstand.
21) Invent new swear words.
22) Have husband tell you to stop playing with your breast, words you never thought you would hear in this life
23) Sit on couch clutching cold beer to breast.
24) Tell husband he has no idea how much it hurts.
25) Have husband respond that he is sure it hurts and how could he have any idea the magnitude of the pain since he is just an inferior male.
26) Tell husband not to forget that.
27) Have husband assure you that he knows you never will let him forget.
28) Clutch sore, burned, bruised, stabbed breast in hand.
29) Decide to just go to bed and hope poor breast is better in the morning.
30) Chug beer as sleep aid.