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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Things I Thought Were Obvious, But Apparently Were Not Based On The Following Evidence

alternate title:
Another post which will have people telling me how bratty my children are and that I should slap them

Exhibit A:

"What's that all over the wall?" I ask.

"Glue. We ran out of tape and I wanted to hang my pictures up." answers my 5 year old son.

Exhibit B:

When it is cold out we still have to bring the garbage all the way out to the trashcan. Opening the front door and tossing it all on the front porch is not acceptable. No, it isn't acceptable even when it is -20 with the windchill. No, not even when there is snow whipping around outside. No, even if there is a tornado I want the trash in the garbage can. Alien space ship landing? Well, in that case grab all of the trash and bring it onto their mothership with you. I think the aliens will like it and it will save me a trip to the dump.

Exhibit C:

Under no circumstances should you try to open up a bottle with you front teeth. Your grown up second teeth. Yes, even if you think they look like they are like huge beaver teeth.

Exhibit D:

Porcelain tooth veneers are expensive. There are not many paying jobs for ten year olds.

Exhibit E:

When filling out the little wedding reception RSVP card I was unable to find a pen that worked and had to resort to using a purple crayon. I like to think that it gives the card a little something extra.

Exhibit F:

If you are going to write a "bad" word on the bathroom wall, you know to give our house that little extra special crack house appeal, you should make sure that you spell the word correctly. Because it will make it very easy to deduce who wrote it. The youngest four can easily be eliminated because they can't write. The oldest two know how to spell. That leaves you, oh 8 year old who hasn't mastered that silent "t" yet.


Blogger TBG said...

Love the misspelled bad word too funny!

11:32 PM  
Blogger buffi said...

How about if you write the word on the bathroom wall IN purple crayon? Bonus points?

11:34 PM  
Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

Hilarious! I think you should get your own special on Comedy Central or Oxygen...start getting your bit together. (p.s. no one has to know about your bareass Lucky Strike addiction). ;P

12:31 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

That's nuts. And we feel the same way about trash at our house. I can't wait until Sophia's old enough to take over the hard labor from me and Brent. And complain about it, of course.

9:12 AM  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

Uh-oh. The tooth thing has me cringing. Did he actually break his tooth, or did you catch him beforehand? Ouch -- on the teeth and the pocketbook.

And now I'm trying to figure out what "bad" word your son wrote on the wall! ;^)

9:16 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Oh good, I feel much better about signing a permission slip the other day with a green marker.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

LOL! posts like today's are my guilty pleasure, in that i always feel a little guilty laughing out loud at them. part of me feels sorry for you and would like to lend you my father-in-law so he could brave the snow and take your trash out for you, and part of me thinks your kids are hilarious and the way you write about them even funnier.

the writing the bad word on the wall reminds me of the time my sister tattletaled that someone had called her an "a-s-s-w-h-o-l-e", spelled out so she wouldn't have to actually say the bad word.
my mother's reply? "sweetie, there's no 'w'"

and beck, i'm thinking the bad word starts with a "b" and is five letters long. or four if you leave out that silent "t".

9:25 AM  
Blogger Dot said...

Why do they have to write on the walls??? The bathroom door has my 5 yo's name on it now. No guessing who did that!!

The glue hasn't happened here, thank goodness!!!


9:39 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I have to agree with Jennifer... I feel guilty for laughing but it makes me feel so much better about the crayons on my walls, the spaghetti sauce on the bills I mail in and all the other fun things that happen around our house with lots of kids. You alway make me laugh and smile, thank you!!! :)

9:55 AM  
Blogger novaks8 said...

Thanks Jennifer
My brain was overheating trying to figure out the bad word!

(it has been a long morning already!)

Man my house is COVERED in crayon marks and such.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Renee said...

Guilty too on signing things with markers, pencils, etc

10:48 AM  
Blogger moe said...

I am sure the people who think that about your kids have kids who NEVER misbehave. It must be hard being perfect.

I am never allowed to have pens. No matter how many I buy. Thank goodness I work from home so my boss can't see me writing out code in purple crayon.

The glue reminds me of a time when my oldest was young. Things were quiet, too quiet. It's amazing how quiet your kids will be when they have a huge container of Vasseline.

Oh, and I'm a bich too.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Silly Old Bear said...

My five year old, when he's mad, spells "S-I-T!"

Sometimes the dogs even listen.

Luckily, he usually holds back on his biggest insult: "You big crybaby!"

10:56 AM  
Blogger deputyswife said...

Oh, the writing on the walls. We just had the family room and my sewing room painted. The boys stare at the blank canvas in awe.

Crayons, markers, and pens are now in a happy hiding place here.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Woman with kids said...

That darn spelling trips them up every time. Why can't more bad words be at least four syllables?

11:32 AM  
Blogger cindyquilts said...

scratching my head and thinking: my g'kids live at her house too?!

11:43 AM  
Blogger Wicked Stepmom said...

Ooh... I have just ventured into the world of writing on walls. The Boy (3 y/o) is not allowed to have any writing untensils without my permission. Somehow he got a pencil without my knowing and drew on his ceiling and walls not too long ago. Thank goodness for Mr. Clean Magic Eraser!

11:50 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Hmm, trash on the porch. All that's missing is a car up on blocks and an old couch in the yard. I also wanted to say ds and I had a conversation about the sky being blue, except I was reciting your son's lines. For what it is worth, ds didn't slap me either.

12:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The misspelled word is so funny. I once wrote my brother Alex's name on the wall. They knew it was me, because well he was 1. Too bad I wasn't as smart as I though I was. The trash thing though, has me cracking up. Um, just out of curiousty was that directed at a child or at your husband? I think it is something my husband would do. Well, if he thought he could blame on a kid. I don't know why but this thing won't let me be anything but anonymous, oh well. This is Melissa by the way.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Too funny. I can never find a pen either. Pencils are everywhere but pens are few and far between.

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

I, um...throw the trash bags on the back porch when it's really cold out. There. I said it.

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Chickadee said...

OMG, I couldn't decide which was funniest. So you it looks like you live in a house with trash on the front porch, glue on the walls and cuss words on the bathroom walls. I wonder why you're worried about people getting the wrong impression.


1:18 PM  
Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

Ha! How is it that you make me both excited for and frightened of motherhood, all at the same time?

1:33 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Ha. I see we are not the only house that 'misplaces' pens and pencils. Where in the world do they disappear too.....
Probably with the socks and gloves?

1:46 PM  
Blogger Annalise said...

We have had graffiti incidents where people have faked bad spelling in order to implicate younger siblings - hopefully your kids are not that devious :-)

And, I have written cheques in orange gel pen, so I feel your pain there!

2:19 PM  
Blogger eko said...

"had to resort to using a purple crayon. I like to think that it gives the card a little something extra."

Yea, if only we would have recognized the crayon signatures on our own personal (way-back -when) wedding rsvp returns; as a warning, a precursor of what was to come, and/or to look forward too! ;-)

SO funny. I tried, for the umpteenth time to come up with the perfect place for pens/pencils and such paraphernalia this weekend, but I know within the month the scheme will be found out, and all contents will be scattered to the 4 corners of the rugs/sofas/stairways...

2:46 PM  
Blogger MMC said...

The trash thing cracks me up. We had the same thing happen last night: told the 2 yr old to go put the 'outside' toys on the deck, so he stands at the top of the stairs to the back door and throws them...out the door...that he left open...and then had to walk all the way back to do it correctly & shut the door.

2:56 PM  
Blogger J's Mommy said...

very cute!

3:03 PM  
Blogger charlotte said...

I love your blog. You are the funniest!

4:23 PM  
Blogger nrp said...

My mother once sent me to school with a note to the teacher written on her finest stationary: the backside of a sheet from our Pictionary game pad. I was mortified. Of course now I consider myself lucky if I can find an envelope to scribble notes on.

Did your son take a pen/pencil/paintbrush/crayon/marker into the bathroom with him to write this word or....?

5:16 PM  
Anonymous Maddy said...

This was my first time here and I will be back, too funny.
My eldest son, when 5, wrote his name under my mum's coffee table in crayon. My parents tell me they will never sell that table.

6:09 PM  
Blogger Nana said...

and to think, i allowed and encouraged Annika to write on her bedroom walls. when we moved it took 5 coats of paint to cover it. But at least the writing was contained in one small room.

10:33 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Oh boy. The teeth thing made me wince. I have a gap between my two front teeth because as a kid I thought it was just hilarious to shove a coin in between them and wiggle it. My dentist has offered me a bridging crown, but I like to think of it as a warning to Ms 8 about what could happen...

And now I'm rethinking whether the half an hour I spent with 8yo and 1yo this morning drawing in chalk on the deck and back wall of our house was really the message I want to be sending... *g*

11:37 PM  
Blogger Kim/Thomas said...

Just so you know...You made us both sprout tears from our eyes, and almost made us pee ourselves!! I'm sure you hear that sooo often! :o)
fantastic site, I will have to read more, your writing is hilarious!!

12:11 AM  
Anonymous Hope Wilbanks said...

heehee :)

6:55 AM  
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1:32 AM  
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9:48 PM  

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