It's All A Learning Experience

1) You should never use the toilet paper holder as a bar to hoist yourself up onto the toilet, or use it to vault off the toilet seat. It is not designed to hold your weight and it will be pulled right out of the wall.

Should you chose ignore this warning and do it anyway...


2) You should never hold the entire roll of toilet paper over the toilet bowl while you try to completely wrap your arm in a mummy-esque fashion in preparation for wiping your butt.

Should you chose to ignore this warning and do it anyway...


3) When the roll falls into the toilet, as it inevitably will, you should NOT try to flush the roll. It will not fit.

Should you chose to ignore this warning and do it anyway...


4) You should not grab the plunger and try to stuff the roll down the hole. It will not fit. Well, it might fit part way down, but it will not go down all the way, which is a problem.

Should you chose to ignore this warning and do it anyway...


5) You should not close the bathroom door and go merrily along your way thinking that the plumbing fairies will come along with their friends the cleaning fairies and clean up the mess. Leaving the scene of an accident is a felony, remember that.

Should you chose to ignore this warning, and really why wouldn't you at this point given your track record...


6) You had better be upstairs packing your bags to run away. I'll know it was you. The wet footprints that lead from the bathroom to you will be the initial tip off. The stench of poo and the wet cuffs on the bottom of your pants will confirm it.

Should you have ignored all the previous warnings, there really is no hope for you, but I'll give you one last piece of advice...


7) DO NOT, Under any circumstances, deny that it was you and say, "I didn't do it. Not Me." Unless of course you want to see your mother's head spin around and her eyeballs pop out of her head, dangling down onto her cheeks by springy tendrils. Contrary to how it sounds, this will not be cool.

If it has come to this it means you have ignored all the previous warnings and there is no hope for your redemption, and the baby Jesus is crying.


8) You should be prepared to do a lot more chores around the house because you mother is now blind. Also, she is dead.


What is the lesson in all of this is ...to always be cautious, honest, courteous, or ask for help? No, that would be wrong.

The lesson learned from all of this: 'Tis better not to wipe at all than run the risk of having to do more chores.