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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Strange Days Indeed

"Watch me, NOW!" she screams.

Nothing brings out the dormant tyrant in a two year old like potty training. They know that they have all the power. They know that you want them to do something. And they make you pay. Oh boy, do they make you pay.

Over the past few days I have done more entertaining in my bathroom than I thought was possible. I have sung songs on command, dance, clapped, cheered, done the hokey-pokey and expressed all the cheeriness I could possibly muster over bodily wastes. I have begun saying, "Wouldn't you like a little privacy?"

After each trip to the bathroom she is rewarded with Skittles. The first day she was rewarded just for trying. Every sit upon the potty earned a candy as a reward, whether or not she actually did anything. By the next day I told her that she would have candy only when she actually pooped or peed. She wasn't that keen on this idea. But she was in love with her new Barbie undies, and who wouldn't be thrilled with Barbie's face on the crotch of their underwear, so there was no turning back.

But my daughter is smart, too smart I fear.

Tonight I was putting on my vaudeville routine in the bathroom when she stopped me by holding up her hand, palm facing me. "I am done," she proclaimed and hopped off her royal throne. "See my poop." I think if she knew the words she would be following it up with,'Wipe my royal ass, you lowly servant woman.'

I look into the toilet, ready to scream with delight over poop. The toilet is empty. "I don't see any poop."

"Yes, it's right there,"she said, and then sensing that I wasn't buying it she decided to elaborate. "Two poopies. See them. One. Two."

"I really don't see any poopies in the potty. Where are they?" I asked.

She let out a huge sigh, as if she is merely humoring me, "Right there! One. Two. They are very very tiny poopies. Maybe you not see them."

"That must be it." I agree because there is no way to win this argument with a two year old.

"Get my candies. Now."

And, having been given my orders, I curtsey and scurry away to retrieve the candies lest her royal highness be kept waiting too long and decide to invoke her wrath upon me or make me put on another puppet show with empty toilet paper tubes.


Blogger Steph said...

ROFL!!! I know exactly how you feel.

10:23 PM  
Blogger TBG said...

Oh the joys of potty training!

10:50 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Oh, my goodness! That's hillarious. My daughter refused to be potty-trained until she was three. That means I was trying to achieve it for like...a year. Ugh! I feel your pain!

10:51 PM  
Blogger Jodi said...

LOL! That is waaaayyy to much work!

I can relate to the "your highness" thing. My 3 year old still bellows from the bathroom, "Mooooom! Come wipe my butt!" I always answer, "Yes your highness!" LOL

11:12 PM  
Anonymous stil said...

AAAAAHHH...I'm going to try with my two year old after we get back from vacation next week. My first was so easy, he just wanted to be grown up. I fear I'm not going to be so lucky with this one. I'll try the skittles trick.

12:00 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

Wow, Im not the only mom whos daughter thinks that sitting on the porcelain throne makes her a queen!

12:50 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

We use M&M's, worked especially well on my chocoholic Kelly. I hate bathroom entertaining, I'd be curled up on the floor muttering "just pee already!" after half an hour of it.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

That's awesome! Imaginary poopies...what a kid.

8:40 AM  
Blogger aka_Meritt said...

Omgosh... that was funny. I feel sorry for you though - I wonder what the NEXT few days will bring? LOL.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


9:34 AM  
Blogger halloweenlover said...

Look, just as long as she doesn't play with the real poopies, I'm very happy.

She really is too smart. Maybe you could teach her to say "my lowly servant"? It'd make for great blogging material.

9:45 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

I have to wonder if you brought her invisible skittles? Tiny ones that perhaps she was unable to see.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

I have to wonder if you brought her invisible skittles? Tiny ones that perhaps she was unable to see.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I have to admit, we waited until my first was almost three before we ever pushed the issue, so it actually ended up being a really fast, easy process (we're lazy, yes we are). Now my second is right at that age, and every time I mention "the big boy potty," he shrieks in terror and runs away. I'm thinking I was just lucky with my first one. I'll be joining you in the bathroom entertainment profession VERY soon...

10:14 AM  
Blogger Darren said...

"who wouldn't be thrilled with Barbie's face on the crotch of their underwear"

I can only imagine the Google search traffic you're going to be getting.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Lenise said...

I wonder if it might not be easier to do before they gain all that self-awareness... But then, I'm a little afraid to try. But my boy's not 15 mos yet, so maybe around 20?

1:48 PM  
Blogger B.E.C.K. said...

My son usually yells, "Ready for a bum-wipe!" when he's done, which I find pretty cute, so we're lucky. Back when he was still pottytraining, I gave one or two Smarties as rewards, and we had a lot of discussions about the difference between "tooting" and pooping. No candy for tooting, unfortunately for the kiddo. ;^)

2:40 PM  
Blogger nextcommercial said...

She is far to smart to be "potty trained". You must appeal to her obvious sense of style.
Try a tu-tu. What girl would ever dare to pee on a tu-tu? Ballet slippers will help too(I swear, she didn't tell me to write this) If she has an accident,(gasp!) it will run into her new ballet slippers!

6:28 PM  
Blogger wendy said...

That is too darn funny! After having a son that absolutely refused to be potty-trained until he was 3 1/2 (he used to proudly tell us that he would wear diapers even when he was a daddy!), I have vowed never to try potty-training before 3 years of age. Unless of course the child asks to be potty-trained before then. It's too hard. The begging, pleading, bribery, and the fake joy over a child sitting on the toilet forever, with nothing to show for it (good try, eye).

I don't think I've commented on your blog before, but I just have to tell ya that you're one of my fave's. I daily check your blog for new stuff. You have a gift for writing and story telling.

1:55 AM  
Blogger lipstickface said...

Is that like the "Emperors New Poop"?

9:35 AM  
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