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Monday, March 20, 2006

In Which All My Male Readers Will Feel My Husband's Pain And Rejoice That They Are Not Married To Me

Last night I finally tried on my dress for the wedding we are attending this weekend with the new expensive bra that I bought. A bra that ended up costing way more than the dress.

I went with one of those convertible bras, which judging by the name and the price, should really do much more than it does. Like melt twenty pounds off of me and lengthen my legs 6 inches. And give me a tan. I could use some color on my pasty white skin.

I tried it on in the halter strap position and it won't work with the dress, unless I want to look like a two bit street walker with the straps all hanging out. I never thought I would ever say this, but my boobs are almost too big for the dress. I'm busting out of it, pun intended.

It's not like I have halved cantaloupes on my chest, nor would anyone confuse me with a centerfold for BIGGG JUGGGS magazine, but these nursing boobs are such a novelty to me I have to resist the urge to touch them and talk about them. But I have spent my life with much much smaller produce on my chest, think kiwis, or possibly grapes. So what if I have to strap them down in a specially engineered harness to be able to run.

Honestly, I don't think I am ever going to stop nursing. I haven't had a period since July 2002 and I have these great boobs. Really, what is the incentive? Menstrual cramps and shriveled raisins for breasts?

I tried the dress on and came downstairs. Rob like the dress. He thought it was especially fetching with my socks and Birkenstock clogs.

As I was standing there he reached out and touched my stomach. Touched my stomach, people. My stomach which has expanded to the very limits that my skin can stretch seven times and has never quite recovered. He almost pulled back a bloody stump.

Then he said, "Are you sucking your stomach in?"

He said he didn't mean the way that it sounded, that he was astounded by my slimness. But I know that he was just trying to save himself from a slow and torturous death. Just to be on the safe side I went up to him, blew on his bald spot, and shined it up with my forearm. So astounded I was of his forehead.

"I can tell you have been working out. You look... strong."

"Strong?" I questioned.

"Yeah, strong."

"Well, thanks, I guess. I was feeling rather like uncooked dough."

"No, you look big and strong." And with that he struck a pose reminiscent of the Incredible Hulk.

"You know this is sounding less like a compliment and more like I should be pushing a plow in a potato field somewhere."

Rob sighed heavily. He realized that yet again his compliment has fallen short of his expectations.

My daughter came over to me. "Mommy, you look like a Princess. You look like Cinderella."

"Oh, thank you sweetie. At least someone can give Mommy a nice compliment."

"Well, she didn't say if you looked like Cinderella before or during the Ball." piped up my eleven year old.

Is there a charm school somewhere to send him to? Maybe we can get a father/son discount.


Blogger The Green Family said...

hahahahahhaah! This is what my husband said to me the other day after we had eaten sure did eat alot's like your pregnant or something! I just glared at him. He tried to backtrack...Ummm, I just meant that you usually eat such small portions, but today you have had more of an appetite. Yeah, whatever, I know what he meant to sure are being a piggy today you big fat lard!

7:59 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

hmm. i guess there is no way out of that one. but i've seen pictures of you and you don't look like someone who has been pregnant seven times.

and don't you remember that time at the store when that woman stopped you to ask if the baby was yours and how was that possible because you were so THIN?

at a wedding, the important thing is not to look good for your husband, but to look good for the other women, don't you think? so that they can all say, "oh my god. i can't believe how great she looks. bitch." and move on to the next victim.

8:17 AM  
Anonymous Larissa said...

OMG, that is so funny. I remember when my husband and I had been married for a short while and we were on a flight where we were sitting facing each other (we were in the bulkhead where one seat faced backwards). I was wearing shorts with my feet up on his seat and he said "Hey, what are those little holes in your legs???". That would be cellulite. Ahhhh, the moments we fondly remember. Unfortunately, now my cellulite can be seen no matter my sitting (or standing) position.

8:47 AM  
Anonymous nabbalicious said...

That is so funny!

And I agree: no way do you look like you've had seven children!

9:30 AM  
Blogger owlhaven said...

These poor guys.. they just can't win. Not with dumb comments like that anyway.
Mary, mom to 4 males and 4 others who know how to give proper compliments.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

OMG Larissa!! that is the funniest story ever!

9:57 AM  
Blogger T. said...

It is so nice to know that my husband is not the only man out there who can wound self-esteem with his compliments. Welcome aboard lassie! Perhaps, if we round up all the boys, young and old, we could start a charm school. Think of the money! Think of all the happy ladies!

7 kids, and you can wear a halter bra and still see your waist. He should be on his knees, kissing your feet. Daily.

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Ficklechick said...

I actually winced when I read that, waiting to read where you smacked him!

Men, do they ever think before they speak?! Makes you wonder how so many of them make it in the business world!

10:07 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Speaking as someone who does look like they should be plowing potatoes (good peasant stock) you definitely do not! And it is a known fact that having a Y chromosome impairs the nerve between the brain and the tongue.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Lori Ann said...

The boob story reminds me of an episode on "Yes Dear". Big boobs are a good trade off on nursing!
Unless they are already big and have gone south! (Like Me):-)

11:07 AM  
Anonymous Rob said...

In my defense, what Chris failed to mention is that I likened her strong appearance to Anna Kournikova. Yes, I admit, I did reach out and touch her stomach, but only to confirm my utter amazement at how svelt she looked. As for not having a proper compliment, you know what they say about men in the presence of beautiful women.. Tongue tied and at a loss for words!

11:41 AM  
Blogger Wicked Stepmom said...

I have always said that testosterone kills brain cells... and now your husband and 11 y/o have confirmed my theory. ;)

12:12 PM  
Blogger moe said...

With that great big house of yours, couldn't you find another place for Rob's foot instead of his mouth?

For what it's worth, I think he was being sincere. Cause really he just wants to enjoy the last of the nursing boobs.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous Sleeping Mommy said...

Men just don't get it. But they mean well. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I know he means well. It is just the manner in which he says things that leaves a lot to be desired. A LOT.

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Lori said...


After I gave birth to our first (9#, 6 oz.) daughter, my husband had the audacity to play with my jelly belly. He was fascinated by the gelatinous quality of it. That phrase, "He almost pulled back a bloody stump," brought that happy memory back.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

I'm lucky in that, while my husband is equally ignorant in the art of giving compliments (worse, he knows he's bad, so he doesn't give any AT ALL) my sons are very good. It makes him mad every time one of them shows him up. They love especially to walk up after he's said something stupid and show off with an excellent compliment LOL

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Claudia said...

Rob, I think you've got a good explanation there...
...My husband has said once or twice that I look stunning which of course I take the wrong way and ask 'good stunning or bad stunning?' I think your 11yr old is very quick and funny and of course should be sent off to compliment school asap because quick and funny is only going to get him into hot water with his significant other someday. ...My husband now just emulates the 'Brawny Man' with a drippy fake sincerity whenever he thinks I'm looking for a compliment.. It's better than the hoof'n'mouth compliments he used to give anyway.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Just 4 short weeks after the birth of my first child, we were going to go swimming at my sister's house. I was not too happy about the whole bathing suit thing, since my maternity suit was way too big now, but my regular suit was still too small. I ended up wearing the maternity suit so I didn't get arrested for indecent exposure, and walked out into the living room. My hubby looked up, got a furrowed look on his face and said, "You look really frumpy."

FRUMPY!!!!! I still tease him about that. It is the ONLY thing he has ever said to me that isn't 100% supportive and nice. It is now a joke, but at the time, it made me feel like chopped liver.

2:58 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Yes, I remember boobs. They went bye-bye when J stopped nursing. I'm now smaller than I was before kids, and that's saying somethin'! Shrivelled raisins is about right. ; )

2:59 PM  
Blogger Miss Valerie Jean said...

Hi there. De-lurking to say that I enjoy your blog. One question do have time to post with 7? I can hardly do it with 3!!! You are supercool.

3:16 PM  
Blogger HangerMom said...

I was going to go with a snarky remark, but then I read your husband's comment, and it was a pretty good explanation. My husband made the same "are you sucking your stomach in" comment to me the other day. I said, "no, it's all those imaginary crunches I've been doing in my lack of free time". But I think he did mean it in a nice way. I take the compliments where I can get them.

Anna Kournikova, though? Nice!

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Scooby said...

I nursed my last daughter until she was two and although my boobs are no longer as large as they were they are still relatively large in comparison to the kiwis they once were. One day, standing in the bedroom, I was mourning the fact that I had to go bra shopping as my bra was too small (that NEVER happens to me) and I didnt want to spend the money on a new one. My idiot says to me: Your boobs are bigger because YOUR bigger.

Sometimes I hate men.

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Maddy said...

LOL oh I have tears. I love the head polishing, and great come back Rob, Anna Kournikova, just perfect.

4:31 PM  
Blogger momofalltrades said...

I'm de-lurking too. I love, love, love your blog, I've lost an embarrasing amount of sleep going through the archives! LOL I hear you on the nursing boobs. Maybe you can try those stick on bra thingys...I think I saw some at GAP the other day, and they were having a buy 2 get one free or something like that. I'll join the masses in telling you you look great, you've got nothing to worry about! (Well, aside from your hubby's foot in mouth disease! LOL)

5:32 PM  
Blogger Silly Old Bear said...

Poor Rob, there's now way he can win (now).

Here's to having a fine time at the ball, er, wedding, and may you not see a reason to kick rob in the weddings while you are there!

5:56 PM  
Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

Nursing mammas of the world unite, we must take over! ;P We're almost over(nursing) and I'm very afraid of shrinkage, Costanza!

10:44 PM  
Blogger Journey Mama said...

It must be hard to be a man. My husband says that I have "salmon feet" and thinks that it is a compliment. It really is disappointing, isn't it, when nursing boobs go back to normal. Makes running easier, though.

12:28 AM  
Blogger Darren said...

Oh my gosh, Chris! The guy is totally trying!

Solidarity, brother. Solidarity.

1:19 AM  
Blogger IzzyMom said...

Holy cow! I've been reading blogs for a solid hour and not until now did I truly laugh out loud. A lot. Thanks. This was great :-)

1:46 AM  
Blogger Crazy and lovin' it said...

Great boooooob post!!

3:09 AM  
Blogger meredith said...

You'd think they'd learn, those husbands, boyfriends, men...mine always "compliments" me on my curves..."really honey, I don't like skinny women"...give it up, dude.

5:48 AM  
Blogger Gabriela said...

Too funny. My husband the other day asked me, "Have you stopped working out?" When I gave him the disgusted "why?" he answered, "Ummm, you just look so thin".

Yeah. Right.

8:00 PM  
Blogger Gigglin' And Screamin' said...

I don't know how many men you grew up with,but you're surrounded by them now, and there's nooo mercy! Just kidding! But I was thinking, "poor girl needs a few more women around her!", and then I was glad you got all us bloggers out here! I grew up around all boys and so when I had two daughters in a row, I thought, "sweet revenge!" because my husband moaned that he never would have a son. We then had four boys in a row! Ha! So now when hubby (who is waay less sensitive than yours) tries to fake a compliment I get to hear more comments from the the rest of my gang! Only my oldest son is six, so I'm scared for when he's 11! The reality of it all is I thought it was sweet that your husband actually took time to blog on there and explain it! Mine could care less! :( Cool blog!

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

Just blogged by from another are hilarious, lady! I have been laughing my head off at yours and other commentors!!

Wow...I gotta come back here so I can learn some more cute stuff to do and say to my old man...and yes, he is OLD!

He was dumb enough once, after I had worked hard dieting for months, etc and gotten down much lower than I had in years and said, "Well, your legs and arms look pretty is just your belly." I got mad, said "OK FINE THEN...I will make them all match." I did I wish I could carve off this lard just so I feel better...bag how he likes to look at me, or not! HA!

8:03 PM  
Anonymous John Asturian said...

Nice blog. Good Job! John Asturian

5:41 AM  

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