notesfromthetrenchesIII

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Monday, September 05, 2005

If Wishes Were Trojans

My husband went to the drug store this weekend to buy some, uh... things for, uh... you know, contraception. I have never been able to bring myself to buy them. Even though it is obvious that I have had sex before, the thought of buying a box of condoms makes me feel like a giggling adolescent buying a box of maxi pads.

Anyway, Rob walked around the store looking for them, with two kids in tow. He finally went up to one of the people who worked there, right here you can tell how desperate he was to actually be ASKING for directions, and, trying to be discrete, asked, "Excuse me, where do you keep the prophylactics?"

The man thought for a moment, pointed to the other side of the store and said, "Well we have several different ones. The diet ones are over there."

Rob was completely confused. "Diet ones?"

"Yes, but we have some regular ones too."

"I'm sorry, but we weren't planning on ingesting them." Rob said.

At this point they were both looking at each other completely confused.

"Well, what were you going to do with them then?"

"Prophylactics?" Rob tried again, " Also known as condoms? rubbers? protective sheath for my man tool?" Okay, so he didn't really say the last one, I just thought it would be funny if he had.

"Oh, I have never heard them called that before." And with that the man gestured over to the other side of the store and walked away.

Rob found them and came home with his box of wishful thinking and told me the story. I had to remind him that not everyone is as much of a geek as he is.

Once I recovered from laughing I asked, what seems to me, to be the obvious question.

"Well, what was he talking about?"

And you know what, Rob has no idea. It is driving me crazy. What sounds like prophylactic that would come in diet and non diet varieties? I am *this* close to calling up CVS and tracking down the poor store clerk to ask him.

55 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't answer your question, but it reminds me of a time at my first job as a bag clerk at a grocery store (many moons ago.) An older man came up to me and asked me in a very discreet tone where we kept the enemas. I replied in a decidedly-non-discreet tone (I thought maybe he was whispering because he had a hearing problem): "Small animals?!?! Like gerbils? We don't sell those here!" Luckily someone intervened and helped the poor guy out.

5:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I was desperately hoping the last line of your story would reveal that mystery! Maybe you should call CVS ...

7:03 PM  
Blogger Melessa said...

That's why I love the Wal-Mart self-checkout lane. It was also my friend when the kids came back from Disney World with head lice.

7:18 PM  
Blogger eko said...

Having a dental background all I could think of was:
Prophylaxis: A measure taken for the prevention of a disease.
For example, dental prophylaxis consists of removing plaque and cleaning the teeth to prevent cavities and gum disease.

BUT diet?

LOL - I am liking self check out myself these days...

7:32 PM  
Blogger Sleeping Mommy said...

PLEASE CALL THAT MAN!

Seriously I'm dying of curiousity here woman.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Tammie said...

Propylene!!! It took some figuring, but I did a search on "diet pills" and this was the first thing that came up.

Perhaps this is what he thought Rob was asking for?

Either way, I'm DYING TO KNOW! Call the pharmacy and ask.

Tammie

7:44 PM  
Blogger blackbird said...

propel-laxatives?
gah!
we can't figure it out either!

9:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm confused. Didn't he just go through the Surgery-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named?

10:17 PM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

I believe he did, but it takes some time for it to be 100% effective.

10:25 PM  
Blogger kimmikim said...

wouldn't it be fantastic if a "diet prophylactic" meant that you wouldn't gain weight when, said prophylactic happened to fail?

incidentally, prophylactic also happens to be one of my favorite words, up there with 'plethora' and the not so intelligent but frequently and embarassingly overused, 'dude.' i don't surf. i don't even live near water but that is a post for another day. not on your blog of course. which i happen to love, by the way.

so, blog on and here's wishing you a plethora of prophylactics, dude!

10:59 PM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

Hmm... I did bravely venture out earlier this summer, hoping to discreetly pick up a box of these items, and was mortified to find that it required at least 20 minutes to read all the boxes to see which ones I might want. There I sat in front of the display, obviously studying them. Ugh, so embarrassing. As for diet, well, I know you can get them in flavors, which I found hilarious, so maybe diet flavors? LOL I have no idea.

11:43 PM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

aha, I looked it up in the dictionary and then googled it; prophylactic can also refer to foods, because one definition is more general, to mean just "guarding from or preventing disease." So some vitamins are in that category, and there are certain ones for diabetics, which I guess would be the "diet" ones? That's as far as I got.

11:52 PM  
Blogger Lammy said...

Oh my gosh....this brought back a HILIARIOUS thing my husband I would do when I was VERY pregnant with my 5th child. We would go to walmart, with our 4 children in-tow,and walk past "THE" isle and if there was someone in the isle (the more--the better) ... and he'd calmly ask, in true redneck personna, "Honey, do you think I need me summa dese?" and in my best southern drawl, I would reply.. "Ahm not sure,babe.. but would you grab a pregnancy test while yer over there? I missed my period".
We'd do it stone faced.. and people's eyes would get so wide....
My kids were VERY little and were usually busy fighting over some goofy thing or another..so they were oblivious to this conversation, but sure added to the picture.
Thanks for the memory jog!

3:55 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Just clarify, the surgery isn't considered a "success" until tests reveal that there are no more swimmers. I think the first test is 6 weeks post-op and then again 3 months post-op.

8:21 AM  
Blogger DollyMama said...

Just in case this info helps, Chris, the thing with the waiting-til-it's-final thing after the vas is more about how many times the, uh, pipe has been flushed out, if you will. There are, you know, *methods* that can be employed in order to get the situation finalized a lot faster.... We were able to get both tests done and confirmed a lot sooner than 3 months.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Awesome. I wonder if he felt stupid later or never even thought about how weird he sounded...

9:19 AM  
Blogger rugdesigner said...

This is making me wonder as well! Let us know when you find out!

How is your son feeling, btw?

12:45 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

Well, blogs can certainly be educational! I have never heard the word prophylactic used in the way your husband used it - in fact I thought you were going to be teasing him about using the wrong word! I have only ever heard it used for preventative medication - my son was recently in Eastern African, and had to take malarial prophylactics. I can't say I've come across diet ones, though!

12:59 PM  
Blogger dazeymae said...

Send him back to buy AstroGlide.
Please!
Please!
Please!
Poor guy.....
I'm having a laugh at his expense....oh well.

2:30 PM  
Blogger Silly Old Bear said...

Now I'm picturing the Cabin Boy (when he came out a Cabin Man) yelling:

"THESE PIPES ARE CLEAN!"

4:33 PM  
Anonymous Jordana said...

We buy our prophylactics from Amazon. I get embarrassing recommendations for other things I might like to buy from them, but when I add it to an order for other things -- like books and such, I can get free shipping and no sales tax, and not have to buy them at the store and I also get amused that some person packaging my order is wondering what someone is going to do with a box of condoms, a children's book and a rasp zester.

8:00 PM  
Blogger Bernadette said...

Trojans are the ones who got the surprise horse gift from Odysseus and the Greeks, but, contraception...prophylactics...
condoms...rubbers...sheaths???

11:05 PM  
Blogger martha marmot said...

ROFL! I am so embarrassed about things of this nature... I remember a particular incident as newly weds... *Sweet Heart* and I were in the store to procure this particular item, along with a few others, when we ran into another couple we knew. I was all too aware that in the buggy sat an ECONOMY size box that no one with eyes in their head could miss! I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me!

5:15 PM  
Blogger Cant say no said...

I am laughing so hard at your story! I very rarely comment on blogs but this made my day!!!

8:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This brought to mind the time my hubby came home to tell me that a fellow co-worker, (male) came in that morning and with excitement told them how the local McDonalds now carries condoms. My hubby and this other guy looked at each other with raised eyebrows. They questioned how he knew this and the man stated that it said so on a sticker at the drive-through window--condiments, available upon request. At that my hubby erupted in laughter and explained to the man what condiments were. LOL!

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