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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Is He A Mom?

If you don't know what I am talking about, consider yourself lucky.

I wasn't going to write about the new "club" website, for a variety of reasons, mostly related to the fact that Andrew Shue and Meredith Viera sent me an email which basically said, you suck! go away! no soup for you! Those might not have been their exact words, but that was the gist of the email.

And so, I resolved not to like the new club thing, but then the more I read about people I actually like that have gotten the jobs, the more my resolve has weakened. Jenny is so hysterically funny, that I am sure I'll have to read her new blog just because of that.

And Jenn, she is going to be writing about life with tweens. And I have a tween. And yesterday we both agreed that tweens are at their cutest when they are asleep. Maybe she'll have ideas on how to harness the tween power for good, or else how to make them sound more appealing on ebay. Maybe she will give me insight into how a child who is so smart can not find a damn thing in this house, or his bedroom.

Or why we have to use that word tween. I hate it. It sounds way too nice for this bad attitude, eye rolling, know it all and don't you forget it age. I think royal pain in the ass would be a much better moniker. The world royal in deference to their own personal belief that they are in charge. I like the way that blogger spell check suggests the word twine instead, because I'd like to tie him up with twine some days.

I don't begrudge anyone their job. I am sure that they will all be great at what they are writing about. But I am left with the thought that perhaps Andrew Shue and Meredith Viera found out I have never watched an episode of their respective tv shows.

But Lucinda gave me a perfect post award. perfect post And that was nice and made me happy. It was for my BREEDER!!!1! post. Which, btw, if you really want to buy a tshirt you can by clicking on them. They are customizable (is that even a word?) which mean you can, you know, customize them to suit yourself. Really, chris, is that what that means?

Moving on.

Today I am going to torture myself by going to Old Navy with my children, including a surly 11 year old who will be hell bent and determined to not like a single thing that I suggest. All last week I asked him to please go through his room and look for his summer clothing so that we could figure out what, if anything, still fits him.

He came down several times telling me that he had no summer clothes at all, not one t-shirt, not one pair of shorts... nothing. And my questions about what could have possibly happened to all his clothing were met with eye rolling and exasperation.

Yesterday I went into his hovel bedroom to turn off the light, because at 11 years old he still hasn't mastered the light switch. It is such a complicated apparatus after all. I happened to glance into his closet. There amongst the rubble spilling out, were a huge pile of his summer clothes, folded neatly on the shelf where I must have put them in the fall.

It turns out that not a single item of clothing fit him. I can't believe how fast he is growing. Or how much food he is eating. He even eats stuff he doesn't like simply because he is hungry. People had told me that one day my sons would eat everything that wasn't nailed down and that I would need to get a job just to keep my boy posse in snacks, but I thought they were exaggerating. Turns out they weren't.

And I hate having to tell my boys, sorry no more snacks for you. It is Mommy's fault for never having watched Melrose Place. I'm sorry, perhaps you can go graze in the yard we do have a lot of overgrown grass that might be tasty.

Updated to add:
I have NOTHING against the moms who took the clubmom jobs AT ALL. In fact I really like all of the women that I know of who have accepted the jobs. And while I'd like to act all superior and like I didn't really want the job, the fact is that they turned me down and I am disappointed, more than I would really ever let on. It's much easier to throw rocks at their clubhouse and pretend I don't want to be a member.

But truthfully, if Andrew Shue called me up, or emailed, or had one of his henchwomen, like Meredith, email, I would totally netflix every episode of Melrose Place and maybe even wear a pink sweater set and strand of pearls while I blogged. I have seven kids to put in braces, one after another. Oh and who am I kidding, lots of shoes that would love to live in my closet aka Club Shoe.

So while I appreciate everyone's supportive comments, please tread lightly so as not to cause hurt feelings.

But did you see over there in my sidebar... I have an ad! So click on it or something.


Blogger aka_Meritt said...

Oh boy... do you have some interesting times ahead chica! LOL.

My 'boy' is 13 now (so just ahead of yours). And I'll give you fair warning that last Fall for school I bought him 3 pairs of new jeans the last week of August. (And when they get this age jeans cost more... no more cheapo Children's Place Clothes, LOL). Well good golly, by OCTOBER the jeans were all TOO SHORT.

Not just "oh they're fine, really" short, but "OMGosh you really can't wear those... even with pulling them half way down your butt and covering with a sweatshirt!"

... be warned Mommy. He's got a 2-3 inch growth spurt lurking in the back ground ready to come out within the next 1-2 years. I'd start buying jeans now if I were you (since you have more boys than me!) LOL.

8:44 AM  
Blogger aka_Meritt said...

... just in case you read fast and missed it...

new jeans.

grew out of in 2 months.

Two. Months.

The kid had 6 pairs of jeans and suddenly had zero.


8:45 AM  
Anonymous Lori said...

Boys will eat you out of house and home. I just have one and it's tough. I've had friends who said their teenagers ate steaks and whole boxes of cereal when they came home from school and then still wanted huge meals! And, I really don't know how to tell you to get through this awful tween faze except to say that this too shall pass. My awful tween has turned into a wonderful almost 16 year old and I don't know what I'd do without him.

9:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm confused.
What club? The website the guy mentioned on that clip in Jens interview?

Andrew Shue?
I thought he was off playing futball in some other country?
I used to think he was so cute!

Meredith Viera? Yeah, you havent missed much when youve missed her show.
Although if Rosie is replacing her, I may have to tune in with the hopes of Rosie kicking Star Jones butt~!

9:15 AM  
Blogger Darren said...

It's just another reason to detest Meredith Viera as far as I'm concerned.

9:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My oldest is 17 now and he is truly into the eating you out of house and home routine. I am probably cooking meals that would serve your family for my crew of 4, with nary a leftover in sight. He's built just like my father and brother too - tall and scrawny. I wonder when I should let him know that it all changes at around 30?

9:43 AM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

I am still laughing over the Breeder post. Whenever I hear that word, I will think of you.

It was a relief reading that I'm not the only one who's had it up to here with tweenage eye rolling and know-it-allness.

I'm getting a little freaked out by Club Mom. I mean, they're basically using mommybloggers to attract women to buy the products they're peddling, right? Although if I were one of the women getting PAID to BlOG (ahem, Jenn), I'd be all over that, too. Immediately.

But anyway, someone from Club Mom was reading my blog every day for a few days? And then they left, never to return. So I'm thinking maybe I've been blackballed and need not apply for membership. Feh. I heard their clubhouse had spiders in it, anyway. ;)

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Denise said...

I read stuff over at "the club". I haven't bothered to submit anything because I know my writing isn't up to par. I'm a talker...not a writer. I've also always wondering why Andrew Shue has anything to do with it. Anyone can't even be pregnant, much less be a Mom should have nothing to do with this thing. Oh, well.

Your husband helps you with outdoor activities? Wow! I'm jealous. My husband thinks that because he's always on the road, he has carte blanche to sit on his butt and never lift a finger while at home.

My 6 year old son is entering that "eat anything and everything" stage. A little early, no? I'm dreading it. I guess since I can't write worth a flip, I'll have to find some other way to support his food habit.

9:51 AM  
Blogger kalisah said...

My Kid will be 13 this summer, but we have the same issues. With me it's the TV; I'm convinced that he has NO IDEA how to turn it off.

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Colleen said...

They turned you down?! I became a faithful reader the first time I read your site because of how well you write. You should start your own club. You know, because I know you have lots of spare time for that.

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok I figured it out.

I even had an email drafted to apply a while back but never did.

If they turned you down...???

I don't think I wanna read.

You are the gold standard in my humble opinion!

10:15 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

We should just go form a mommy reject club somewhere, I didn't get hired either. $500 a month would have been nice too. Congrats to those who did though! (We could call our club "Reject Breeders!!!1!")

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Kira said...

Oh lordy, THANK YOU. My eldest son turns eleven this summer and I SWEAR I AM GOING TO EAT HIM LIKE AN UPSET HAMSTER MAMA.
At his latest checkup the pediatrician kept saying things like, "As he moves into adolescence," and "these adolescent years" and I was bewildered. MY BABY?
Yes. My baby. And you're right, tweens is farrrrr to innocuous a term. Let's see...what word can encompass "wildly eating, eye rolling, horrified by your existence, forgetful, clumbsy irritation-factory?"
(and I am a reject too, and feeling better now, to be in such fine company.)

11:54 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

I CAN'T BELIEVE that ClubMom passed on all these talented women. It's shocking to me. Seriously shocking. I hope they reconsider you when they do the next round of growth.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Miss Peach said...

Well, if it was up to Meredith and Andrew, I think you should take it as a compliment. Watching the View makes me want to poke my own eyes out, and the thought of her on Today just led me to make the permanent switch to GMA when I need to watch morning TV. Which, frankly, is a really rare occurance.

And I, too, would really like to know what the hell Andrew Shue has to do with any of it!

2:36 PM  
Blogger Laney said...

Hey! I was turned onto your blog by a blogging buddy. I have to say that you are absolutely hysterical and it's their loss. I read Amalah, too, but you make me LOL more than she does!

2:47 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Confession: I clicked on your links to ClubMom bloggers, mainly to figure out what you were talking about. On their blogs I clicked on links to ClubMom and was ... what's the word? disappointed? disgusted? A little of both.

I would take their rejection as a compliment. Yeah, wouldn't it be nice if they paid you to blog, but wouldn't it be so much better to stick a few ads on your blog and make some cash that way? The ClubMom thing seems like such a money-grubbing ploy to exploit moms.

Good for the moms who are exploiting it back to make money, but I won't be going back there. It's too glossy.

And I love your blog. Please, Chris, be in my club! You'll be Chairwoman!

2:58 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

You got the "you suck" email too? I feel SO MUCH better now that I'm in such good company. You're the best.

I'm sorry you got the "you suck" email. But seriously, it's their loss.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Alice H said...

You probably got "you suck"ed because you tell it like it is. I get the feeling they're looking for perky, with-it, stepford moms that make the rest of us feel like dirt because we don't live up to their sparkly image. Thank you for not being one of those.

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Mel said...

Hey - Old Navy has all their stuff on-line and shipping is only $5 regardless of how much you buy. I did that with ALL the summer clothes this year. I told my picky child to pick out 7 shirts and 5 pairs of shorts and add them to the "shopping cart" then I looked them over and hit purchase. VOILA! No eye-rolling. No yelling. No ulcer. No having to chase the 2-year-old around the store. And it all arrived in a box on my front porch.

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Gillian said...

You know how lovable you are? I, the 'if I click on an ad it will cause thousands of spyware, pop-up windows and zesty ad posts to appear on my computer' person clicked the ad. THAT is how loveable you are. Nuff said.

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Denise said...

I have clicked your ad because you totally don't suck. You might not live in a yellow house, which means you are goot at spinning a tale, I like that in a mom with a gazillion kids - if club mom doesn't, well who really cares. Well you, cause the $500 would be nice, but besides that, who really cares. :-)

6:33 PM  
Blogger MaryO said...

I totally already clicked on your ad and checked out the crib bedding (very cute... and spendy, by the way!). You are my most favorite-est blogger ever, and I think that Club Mom is missing out. They will come running back to you begging forgiveness in the near future, mark my words!

7:08 PM  
Blogger Nicki said...

You are still my favorite!! And shhh, don't tell anyone, but I'd rather read you hear than there (I feel a Dr. Seuss rhyme coming on). This is All Chris All The Time :-)

7:49 PM  
Blogger Ms. Mamma said...

Chris- Snowflake and I dig you and it's because you are such a vanguard. Mere moms of one or two just can't compete. A mother of SEVEN holding it all together with style and swank? That's intimidating in an awesome way. It's like you're the Martha Stewart of mamma's and that SCARES them. I love Martha and notes from the trenches.

10:47 PM  
Blogger momof3busyboys said...

I so understand the eye rolling know it all attitude! My Tween just turned ten and I am dreading the next few years! As for eating you out of house and home, I have 3 boys and I know that someday my grocery bill will double what it is now, but hopefully not too soon!

11:13 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Please you rule and in a few months they will be emailing you. I am so new to this so I couldnt posibly expect to ever get there...tho I wouldnt want to anyways. I can barely keep up with my own and I doubt the pay would encourage me any more. But had to say HI and I love your writing so keep it up for us. I am also happy for the other folks who are getting paid now and I know of one who gets to stay at home now so thats awesome too.

11:15 PM  
Blogger meredith said...

Andrew Shue has a TV show? Now, I know I won't be watching that, but I may go click on that ad over there....

3:09 AM  
Blogger Meagan Francis said...

I applied too, and they didn't even bother sending me a rejection. So I suck even more than you! Just think, if I hadn't read this today, I wouldn't even know how much I suck! hahahaha

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, if I click on your ad Chris, do you get paid for it? I rarely ever click on ads on websites but I'd certainly make any exception in your case!

I'm sorry you didn't get the blogging job but hey, if you ever charged us a subscription fee to read your blog, I'd be coughing up the money, LOL! Your blog is as vital to my mommy-sanity as my Mothering Magazine is....or more!

Someone wrote that perhaps your tell-it-like-it-is style might have been a bit too much for this "club" (I have no idea what is is) and I'd have to agree. You are refreshingly blunt and to the point and I can see how that might not be quite the right fit for them (no offense intended) but it is your bluntness and wonderful wit that make your blog such a hit. I can never read your blog without having to read bits of it out loud to whomever is around at the time. My dh and I love it and always read it together and it's killing me that we can't share it these last several months that we have had to live apart. We do ask each other on the phone though "have you read The Big Yellow House lately? Yes, we DO have a life and a small crew of kids ourselves, honestly! But who can't use a good belly laugh on a daily basis (and a tear or two occasion).

I hope you get the job the next round, if you decide to try again. But, selfishly, not if you had to change one single bit of your writing style.

Tracy in Heidelberg (but in the US at the moment....)

P.S. My boy is only 5 and can put away enough food to make my 6'1", 230 lbs. dh feel queasy. Oi vey, I shudder to think what it will cost us to feed him as he gets older. I guess I should be glad the others are girls!

12:13 AM  
Blogger GraceD said...

Ouf, Chris. You applied for a ClubMom gig? And didn't get one?

{{sucks in breath...bites lower lip}}

Two words come to mind:


And, FYI, that second word? Verboten on the ClubMom blogs. So, fling it around with impunity on your fine site.

Still. We have BlogHer! And we shall revel in each others company! The fuck!

1:19 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

At least you got a "you suck" email. I didn't even get that...yet. LMAO.

I like your blog and think you're doing great but I know how much that extra $500 a month would help too. ;)

Keep doing what you're doing.

10:46 PM  
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6:43 PM  

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